Maybe I Wasn't So Lost

Once upon a time, in the age of Aeropostale and Blackberries, there were posts sent via email, Facebook note, or Myspace post asking a variety of questions: favorite color, favorite song, most attractive feature in your crush, so on and so forth. The surveys would request that you answer the questions and pass it along to your friends to do the same. Seeing as everyone was just dying to know how many piercings I had, plus I had far too much time on my idle high school hands, I obviously participated in each and every survey. I stumbled across some of the answers I gave in 2007, during my junior in high school. Mind you this was in the middle of what I now refer to as "The Lost Years" but, all things considered, maybe I wasn't so lost after all.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Love is more complex than that. I do believe in "Lust at First Sight."

How do you know it's right?
It's just a feeling. I had it once but it faded. Things change.

When are you the happiest in a relationship?
When I am comfortable enough to be myself, flaws and all.

Describe your dream person.
Passionate, Strong, Emotional, Intelligent, Opinionated, Open-Minded, Genuine


Though my taste in music at the time was questionable at best and my wardrobe included far too many worn out graphic tees and ill fitting jeans, I have to give 17-year-old Lauren this: she knew her shit. At least in theory. In practice maybe not so much, judging by the train wreck of a relationship I was in at the time, but overall this younger me seemed pretty confident about the idea of healthy love. 

Five years later, I still don't believe in love at first sight. I believe that love can fade and things can change faster than we ever want to admit. I am by far the most comfortable in relationships that don't require me to wear makeup or uncomfortable shoes. And that passionate, strong, emotional, intelligent, opinionated, open-minded, genuine dream man? I married him on a windy June day with flowers in my hair - the kind of day and the kind of man I dreamt about for as long as I can remember. 

But there's a false assumption I held for all those years, when I was too young and too idealistic to know better. Though I never said it out loud, I believed that true love would fix everything. Our days would consist of bike rides on the beach and picnics in a meadow somewhere. Unfortunately I'm only mildly exaggerating. I truly believed that a strong love would bring unconditional happiness. 

The truth is not always so glamorous. There is nothing in this whole world that can do that. Despite the beauty and warmth that exists in the world, we are meant to have some really rough days. We are made to have our faith tested. We are supposed to lose trust every now and then. We need the rain. 

The love of a great man can do a lot of powerful things but it can't do everything. It can't take away the insecurities developed long before he came into my life. It can't heal the dull ache in my chest when I miss the sound of a laugh I'll never hear again. It can't stop my mind from over thinking every criticism hurled my way by someone who will never understand me. For logistical reasons, it can't make bike rides on the beach and picnics in the meadow a very common occurrence. 

He can't fix me. He can't heal me. He can't save me. He can't change me.
But he can (and does) support me. Encourage me. Challenge me. Listen to me. 

How do you know when it's right? - the survey asked.

I still believe in the answer I gave back in the era of hole-filled jeans and low cut tops. It's just a feeling. I had it once but it faded. Things change. 

It was an honest answer. I had fallen in love. I had given my heart to a boy with long blonde hair and an interesting mind and trusted him not to break it. He did the same. But the love faded. Things changed. We wound up hurting each other in ways we never intended to. 

So what makes one love stronger than the last? Is is possible this too will fade away, leaving only bittersweet memories and lessons learned the hard way? 

No. I know in my heart it never will. It's a difficult thing to put into words but just as sure as I am about God, gravity, and goodness in the world  - I am sure about this man.

A couple days ago, he was getting ready to go to the gym, loading up his backpack and talking in his usual matter-of-fact tone while still keeping sense of light heartedness and kindness. When he looked up, I was overwhelmed with a feeling that strikes me every now and again. It's like I see something new in him, something I've never seen before, and I fall a little deeper in love. It hits me at the strangest moments that this man I'm looking at - his huge smile, his strong arms, his caramel eyes, his kind heart, his brilliant mind - they were all there long before we met. They existed during a time when I was in love with somebody else. This man, so different from myself, has a whole lifetime of memories and ideas and dreams, many of which came before he knew my name. The bond between us contains both a familiarity and a great sense of mystery, connecting us in a way that makes us feel alive but keeps us wondering if we could ever love each other any more than we already do. 

I want to spend the rest of my life getting to know him better. I want to fall even more in love with him over silly faces across the table. Over cups of coffee on the patio. Over competitive board games in our pajamas. Over daydreaming out loud together. Over each hill that is sure to come our way. I want to climb each one together. 

Beautiful Moments in My Messy Life

A little over a week ago, my 52-year-old uncle died suddenly of a heart attack. He was my mother's older brother, my grandmother's first born son, a husband to his high school sweetheart, a father of two, and a grandfather of four. He was a great man, the kind of guy to give up his seat in a crowded room or lend you his trailer if you needed to move. A stand up guy, as I've heard people say.

I looked around the memorial service, in a room full of grieving family members and friends, knowing with absolute certainty that my uncle not only changed our lives - he enriched them, strengthened them, and bettered them just by being there. Being present. Listening intently. Laughing with his whole body. Loving whole heartedly. Hugging tightly. Speaking truthfully. He was always really there.

His sudden passing got me thinking about my own life and the people in it. One minute my uncle was about to get into his truck and go home; the next minute he was gone. It sounds cliche to say, "tomorrow isn't guaranteed," but I'm learning more and more how painfully true that is. 

So after countless tears shed and many hours spent soul searching, I'm learning to thank God more and more for the kind of everyday miracles I tend to overlook and under appreciate. I want to make a conscious effort to appreciate the beautiful moments in my messy life. The simple blessings. 

And I started today.

I woke up far too early to a dreary, overcast sky... but thanked God for waking me up. Clouds and all. Morning shift and all. I'm alive. I'm healthy. That in and of itself is a blessing.

I looked to my left and saw my husband sleeping so soundly. I listened to his steady breathing for a minute, cuddling my head against his chest and shoulder (let's be real... it was kind of his armpit), a place that has become a second pillow for me over the years. Still half-asleep, he pulled me close and said in the softest, kindest voice, "I love you so much." His eyes were still closed, his mind still dreaming, but there is always something incredible about those first words in the morning, laced with the kind of sincerity and vulnerability that is hard to find at 3 in the afternoon. I kissed his cheek, well... I kissed his beard... and thanked God for every second he has given me with this beautiful man. And his beard. 

I drove to a job I enjoy.. in a car I can afford.. with music that I love - three things I may not have remembered to be thankful for yesterday. But today I am. I really am. 

I got a nosebleed on the way home from work, something that is pretty impossible to be grateful for, but I quickly remembered the time Grandma Jean and I high-fived over our shared sinus issues. I started laughing. Just me. Driving down I-29. Laughing about how cool my grandma is and, even though there are 50-some odd years between us, how she is one of my best friends. I'm so blessed to still have her in my life.

And when I walked through the door after a short shift, my adorable puppies bounced around at my feet with the kind of excitement that is hard to match as a human. But I tried anyway. They are always completely pumped up to see me - the simple sight of the person they love fills them with pure, uninhibited joy. Why should my reaction be any different? And when they ran around in the backyard for a few minutes and came back covered in mud, I reminded myself that mud means spring and spring means gardening and gardening means vegetables. And what's not to love about fresh, homegrown vegetables? Yeah.. that one was a bit of a stretch but I'm really trying here. 

There are always reasons to complain. The overcast skies, the nosebleeds, the muddy puppies - it would be easy to add them all up and call this another blah Sunday in my very average life. But I'm through with that. There are going to be rough days, days when my heart is aching and my eyes can't handle even one more tear, but that's not today. Today is beautiful in its simplicity. My heart is still aching over the loss of a good man but I am here. This is my life. I could spend the next few days, weeks, or years wishing for something different, something better, or I could take the time to try and appreciate the way it is right now. 

I refuse to be a half-assed participant in my own life. I'm going to laugh as loud as I'd like to, hug as long as I'd like to, and love as deeply as I'd like to because life is too damn short not to. From this point on, I am choosing to be grateful.