Dislike Me the Way I Dislike Cats

It's no secret that I want to be liked. I'm the wrong person to ask if you want an honest opinion about a dress that's too tight or if you got a questionable haircut. I'll tell you you're beautiful. Partly because you are beautiful and partly because I can't muster the courage to tell you the whole truth. It looks awful. But you're still beautiful. 

But I'm also not a doormat... anymore. At least I try not to be (see blog title circa 2011). I'm an opinionated people pleaser which is a tricky life to live. I'm constantly walking the line between a compulsive desire to express myself and an obnoxious need to be appreciated. Barf. 

But I'm about to say something that I've never said before. It's okay if you don't like me. Not like you needed my permission, of course. It's okay if you don't like my bleeding heart. It's okay if you don't appreciate my God-is-love worldview. It's okay if you find the 10 million Instagram photos I post of my toddler to be annoying/underwhelming/monotonous or uncreative. It's okay if you think my Facebook status was cheesy. It's okay if you don't like my beliefs, thoughts, feelings, wordiness, corniness, or even this blog. It's okay with me.

But what I'm asking from all of you who don't like me or truly anyone who doesn't like anyone (.... which would be everyone, right?).... is to dislike me (or insert name of whoever you don't like) the way that I dislike cats. 

Now hold up, cat lovers. It's nothing personal against you or even the cats! I've never been traumatized by a cat. It's nothing that I'm taking out on the entire cat population because of one cruel and unusual cat. It's simple. I just don't like them. I don't like the way their tails are as long as their bodies. It creeps me out. I don't like their slinky movements. 

I don't like them but, damn it, I still respect them. I dig the way that they do whatever they want to. I can't say that I love the fact that our neighbor cat strolls through our backyard as he darn well pleases but I have mad respect for his give-no-shits attitude. Our dogs are barking like mad and he just struts with confidence through the yard like he owns the place. I appreciate that. I respect that. I don't like cats but I can respect them enough as a living, breathing thing that I wish them no harm. I won't call them names. I won't hurt them maliciously. I may even interact with one if it really wanted to. And I'd be kind. Maybe a little uncomfortable but kind. 

Every week I see awful comments back and forth on social media. In person, I hear people use terms like "asshole" and "dipshit" to describe people who disagree with them. I've personally been called everything from "ignorant" to "bitch" to names too harsh to type. I was told I should "go to hell" for disagreeing with someone over a current events discussion. To that person and all people who don't like me, it's fine by me if you dislike me. I won't lose any sleep at night over it. But maybe you could consider disliking me the same way I dislike cats. You can just keep your distance and I'll keep doing my thing. 

5 Things We All Need to Stop Doing Right Now

There's a list for everything now. Top ten ways to get into shape. Seven best vacation spots. Thirty things to do before you turn 30. Twenty-five creative ways to shave your beard. You get it. But here's some things we should all STOP doing as soon as humanly possible from an unapologetically opinionated woman who can't stop won't stop. 

1. STOP ignoring perfectly good company

Multitasking doesn't exist. It should be called "half-assing two things." Okay, so we're having a face-to-face conversation and your phone buzzes. I know what's happening right now. That little red notification is just waiting to be opened like a present on Christmas morning. You know you shouldn't because, come on, that's rude. Oh but you just did. Oops. I bet it's the most interesting text/snapchat/comment/retweet you've ever received and it was well worth it. Nope. It's just another of your friends asking "What's up?" It would be really rude to respond while I'm sitting right there telling you a story. You decide you can wait.... damn it, no you can't. That friend will think you're rude if you don't respond. Or they'll think you're in trouble... or dead! You don't have a choice now. You have to respond. But do it subtly, looking up every so often to make sure I know you're still "listening." I'll just continue talking as you slowly nod and say things like, "Uh huh?" and "Really?" with glazed over eyes darting back and forth from your screen to my face your screen to my face. 

Stop. Let's all stop this. If something is urgent... they'll call. Look up! 

2. STOP with the sentences that start like this: "This is probably a stupid question but..."

Remember in elementary school when Mrs. So and So would tell you, "The only stupid question is the one not asked." Mrs. So and So was a real treat - under appreciated and underpaid. She knew her stuff. If only I would have listened to her I could have avoided a lot of self-doubt and I may have even learned the fundamentals of geometry. Probably not the latter. That was a lost cause. But the confidence lesson was priceless. Women are particularly guilty of this. You're in a meeting and you have something to contribute. "Sorry, can I make a comment about that quick before we move on?" What is the apology for? Having an opinion? Can you make a comment? YES! Permission isn't needed for the men in the room. Can you make the comment quick? What's the rush? Take your time. Speak you mind. Stop apologizing for being alive with a working brain. You're worthy! 

3. STOP throwing poop at the other side of the aisle

When people argue, particularly on social media, I imagine that we are just monkeys in a zoo. There are two cages - one on the left and one on the right. Anytime one of the monkeys on the left get too vocal, a monkey on the right throws some poop at him. When one of the monkeys on the right chimes in, a monkey from the left throws poop her way. It's a real shit show. Pun intended. All of the monkeys stay in the same cage they started in but now everyone stinks. Stop throwing poop and use your kind, respectful words. We're not monkeys, people. Or are we? Uh oh. Before you start: just staaaaahp! 

4. STOP comparing body parts like they're products 

Does anyone else think it's weird that we're all "someBODY"? Yes we have a body but we're more than that. Beyond the thin/thick hair/legs/upper arms, single or double chins, flat or arched feet, flat or rolley stomachs, perky or saggy boobs, brittle or strong nails - we are SOULS. We have a spirit that makes each of us unlike any other person in the world with a set of unique traits and abilities that could never be replicated. Isn't that powerful? More powerful, perhaps, than refreshing our Instagram account and comparing our nose/calves/hair to the person on the screen? 

5. STOP beating yourself up for your old mistakes

Did you apologize to those you hurt? Did you learn from it? Did you grow from it? Good. Please know that you're more than the poor choices you made. You're more than the hurt you caused. It's time to pack up all that baggage and throw it out the window. Ain't nobody got space in their beautiful home for old dirty laundry. Spring cleaning, anyone? 

Now stop reading this and get back to work / go to bed / hug your love / text your mom / read to your kid / compliment yourself in the mirror / read a book / go for a walk / cross something off your to do list / dance around to Uptown Funk in your underwear.