Somedays I Really Don't Like Me

I had a wonderful childhood. No broken bones. No abandonment. No real traumatizing experiences. Thus far, I have been pretty blessed in my adult life as well. I have parents who remind me, and who show me, that they love me every single day. I have a sister who tries to be the greatest role model and big sisterly influence in my life and does a darn good job at it. I think my brother-in-law is hilarious, something I am not genetically obligated to say. I have the same core group of friends that I have had for my entire life, as well as a couple great ones I picked up along the way. I don't have any real major vices - don't smoke, don't drink too much, and don't swear (well shit, we all know that one was a lie). And, nearly three years ago, I met a man who changed my entire world for the better. 

My rational brain does a really good job at counting my blessings. It knows each one by heart. Solid family. Great friends. Solid education. Pretty strong future. Loyal man. 

And yet, despite that rational part of my brain, there is also a part of me - maybe the part that listened to a silly boy a hundred years ago, or the perfectionistic part that is never quite content, or even the reckless part that never wants to get too comfortable - that keeps repeating, "You don't deserve any of this." Not that degree. Not that family. Not those friends. Not that man. You're going to mess everything up, just wait and see. 

And boy have I tried to mess it all up. I drove my parents halfway nuts when I was in high school - never calling to tell them where I was at 3 in the morning, dating the boys they knew were trouble, and acting like I knew better than they did what was good for me. I was kidding myself. I treated my sister with little to no respect or concern, as if she wasn't the best friend I ever had, something I regret so deeply because nobody could ever care about me any more than she does. I ditched my greatest friends for loud, obnoxious boys on more occasions than I could count, boys who ended up ditching me soon after (just like my friends warned me they would). And, perhaps worst of all, once I did end up with the kind of man I dreamt I would find someday, a man who can and does love ALL of me, even the flaws and quirks and imperfections, once I had him promising me forever, I tried to sabotage it in every way I knew how. Starting petty fights. Not listening. Distancing myself. You name it, I did it. 

And still, through the rebellion, the disrespect, the horrible prioritizing, the impatience, the impulsivity, and the mistakes, they still love me. Pardon the expression but WTF? My unusual body type, my crooked bottom teeth, my inability to hold back any and all emotion, my opinion-filled rants, my putzing around in the morning, my coffee breath, and even that weird bump on my back that only appears when I'm cold (don't even get me started on how weird that is)... they will love me regardless. I will never understand what I have done to deserve any of these blessings but I need to remember that, even on those days when I don't really like me... hell even if I can't STAND me... they will never give up on me. That's some powerful stuff.