Loving Those Confusing Creatures

January 7, 2000

Written in my 5th Grade Diary

“I think this boy at school is cute. I’m not saying I love him but I think he is hotttt. I guess when you say that you love someone that it doesn’t just mean someone likes you and you like them too. It means something that I only thought I was. Now that I’ve been dumped I guess I can say that I wasn’t even close to loving [my ex boyfriend]. I just wanted to know what it was like and it went too far I guess. How can people be married to those confusing creatures? BOYS! First they cheat on you then they say they will love you forever. NOT!” 

Aside from my tendency to use multiple Ts in words like hotttt and my embarrassing nonchalant confession that I was "dumped" (ouch!), I found this entry interesting for a couple of reasons. First off, it amazes me that one little boy, no older than eleven years old at the time, "cheated" on me (code for: had a crush on my friend) so I went on to assume that all men were cheating, lying scum that could never be trusted, let alone married! As I sit here, two months from marrying one of those "confusing creatures", I can assure you that my assumption that all men cheat has changed. I stick to my accusation that they are confusing though. Sitting one foot from the television, controller in hand, staring at the screen and screaming obscenities at what I call, "just a game," to which he responds, "a game I want to snap in half," is something I will never understand. 

Secondly, for a ten-year-old plagued with horrible fashion sense, god awful hair, and some extra pounds, I really did have some incredible insight into the very adult concept of true love. I wish that I would have read this in the latter part of my high school years. In the midst of the most unhealthy relationship I ever had, the kind where the bad days outweighed the good days by two times, where we tip toed around each other because we were so worried that the other would snap, where we were in constant fear of losing each other but were uncertain why we would even miss each other at all - right in the middle of that mess, I wish I would have read this so I could have reminded myself of that long-lost wisdom. Just because somebody likes you and you like them back, that does not constitute love. 

Love isn't always as glamorous as I imagined it to be when I was in 5th grade. With Robby, the man who will soon be my husband, most days are absolutely wonderful. Even so, we do have some really crappy days - we get a flat tire, we sleep through our alarm, we misunderstand each other, we don't always have enough time for a good talk at night. He doesn't always know the perfect thing to say at the perfect time to make me feel a perfect way. Imagine that! He isn't perfect. Neither am I. Our love is something more than perfect - it has some beautiful scars. It is shaped by all of the promises we broke, mistakes we made, and words we said that we wish we could take back. And it's stronger because of it. I've learned that even on those crappy days, when we get a flat tire, sleep through the alarm, misunderstand each other, or are too busy to have a lengthy conversation... hell, even if that happens all in one day... I would still rather be at his side than next to anybody else. 

True love is way more than driving around dirt roads in an old pickup, stargazing on the 50 yard line of a football field, or taking hour-long road trips to the closest town with a decent date-night restaurant. That's the easy stuff. Real, honest love has to be so much more than that. You have to ask yourself, who do you want to hug on a camping trip, even when you haven't showered in two days and you're covered in bug spray and sweat? Who do you want to take care of you when you have the stomach flu and can't seem to work your way off the couch? Who do you want to wake up next to if every smoke alarm in the house going off at 3 am for no reason and you haven't the slightest clue how to shut them up? Who do you want to clean the bathroom with on a Sunday afternoon? That person right there, that one is the true love.