Landfill Rings and Unlikely Friends

My father was 23 years old, a recent college grad with shaggy blonde hair and big aviator glasses, when he decided that he was going to marry the brilliant brunette he had known his entire life. He bought her a beautiful gold ring and promised to love her forever. Her strength, her determination, her beauty - ALL of her, until his last day. And fifteen years and two children later, he loved her all the same. Or more. But one seemingly ordinary day in the mid-1990s, that wedding ring would be thrown into the trash, never to be seen again.

Papa and Momma Bear - 1983

To clarify: my parents have been happily married for nearly 30 years. Their partnership is something unmatched by any other couple I have ever seen. They balance each other to near perfection. So no, the ring was not thrown into the trash in the middle of an all-out, no-holds-barred argument. To this day, I have yet to see my parents have a serious fight. Props on keeping minimal drama in our house, Mom and Dad. You rock.

I was the one who threw away my mother's wedding ring. It wasn't out of anger. It wasn't some evil plot to get even with my mother for not letting me have seconds on dessert. It was a mistake. Plain and simple. I was learning to count money so I went looking through her purse for spare change. In my attempt to de-clutter my mother's purse, to help free her busy life from one less task, I tossed what I thought was a used Kleenex into the garbage. What I didn't know was that my mother had an allergic reaction that made her hands swell so she had taken off her ring, wrapped it neatly in a tissue, and secured it in a small pocket of her purse to "keep it safe." But it still wound up in the trash, then a garbage truck, and eventually a landfill next to God knows what. 

Off to learn my numbers, letters, money counting... ughh :(

I've heard that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Throwing my mother's wedding ring was the first, but surely wasn't the last, of many decisions in my life that paved my way to Hell so to speak. From the day I threw that ring in the garbage to this very moment, wearing a wedding ring of my own, I would estimate that I have made about 3,736 oopsies. Some big. Some small. Some mean spirited. Some unintentional. Some careless. Some meticulously planned but oopsies nonetheless. 

One of my greatest uh-oh moments to date caused a smart, beautiful 16-year-old's first heartbreak. Long story short, I was a gullible, selfish brat. I was in my senior year of high school. I didn't think past the weekend. Despite my own instincts and better judgment, I took a silly boy at his word and ended up being a player in an evil little game of lies and jealousy and resentment that would carry on for years. And though I denied my responsibility in what happened for far too long, I can admit now that I made a mistake. I didn't respect myself or other relationships enough to keep my distance. 

I was surely paving my road to Hell. We both were, me and that beautiful 16-year-old girl. We tortured each other with awful nicknames and rumors. We armed ourselves with evil stares and catty whispers every time we were in the same room. But underneath it all, beneath the jealousy and disrespect and pettiness, was a common denominator - the same thing that is at the root of almost any argument - FEAR. Fear of being hated. Fear of being ignored. Fear of being misunderstood. Fear of being talked about behind your back. Fear that the things being said to your face are true. Fear of never having the right answers to make it better. Fear of not being good enough.  

But the most beautiful moments can happen in the middle of all that fear. Grace happens. Redemption happens. Understanding happens. Time mellowed both of us to a point that we dropped the insults and drama. When we realized just how time consuming and mind numbing the backstabbing and insult hurling could be, we stopped hating each other and realized just how similar we were. One of the greatest lessons I've learned is that, with time and forgiveness, even the most bitter rivals can turn into the most trusted friends. 

 

This is life: where flaws are expected and mistakes are inevitable. The best we can do is keep learning and growing. Own up to your imperfection and remember that there are lessons to be learned in every uh-oh and every oopsie. Take some of my lessons to heart... Double check before you throw things in the trash. Try not to call anything "f**king bullshit" in front of your mother. Remember that two wrongs never make a right. Never use oven mitts with holes in them. Make note that speeding in Minnesota is much more expensive than in North Dakota. Trust that important words left unspoken will leave an aching in your chest. Learn how to sincerely apologize when you're wrong. Love exactly who you are, in this moment, and appreciate the stumbles it took to get you there. Trust that no matter what you've done, it gets better. It always gets better.