Recycled Advice from a Younger Me

Inspired by the lovely and talented Olivia Sundeen's advice to single women, boldly entitled, "It's not me it's you," I decided to give some twice baked advice from yours truly circa 2007. Oddly enough, the advice I conjured up in the middle of my own failing relationship and messy mistakes seems to have stood the test of time. I stand by my advice... well, most of my advice. This goes out to all the single ladies (all the single ladies) out there.

Back when I knew everything... (2008)

Realizing I don't know sheeeeit...(2012)

Written June 12, 2007

Okay - I realize that I, Miss Lauren Jean, am not exactly the greatest expert on relationships.  I have had one super-serious on again/off again relationship, two don't-even-count-em elementary boyfriends, one month-long summer fling, and a couple of short lived "relationships" that had more to do with flirtation and sex appeal than anything else. Still I feel the need to divulge any possible wisdom I've gathered over the years so that some innocent girl will not have to learn the hard way that hearts break quickly and deeply. My two cents: take it or leave it.

Lesson #1.  Guys can NOT read our minds
As females, we have a tendancy to say things like "Don't worry about it, I'm fine" when we really want to scream "STOP BEING A PRICK AND CALL ME!"  In all honestly, it will probably work out better in the end if you just say "Hey, I realize that you have an uber-busy life but just make some time to give me a call."  It's easier than you'd think.

Modern update: Call me old fashioned but I think texting is the worst thing to happen to romance and relationships since chat rooms. I started dating my husband right around the time texting became the most common, and most superficial, means of communication in America. My once reasonable request for a guy to simply call is now considered WAY too much to ask. A one or two word text is today considered a legitimate "move." What a sad, twisted world. Being single and decoding man-language was hard enough in the time of MSN Messenger and Facebook. Couple that with texting, Skype, Twitter, and all the cool-kid stuff I don't even know about yet? Chivalry is dead. It was brutally murdered by an iPhone. 

So I was wrong. Speaking up and saying, "Please just call" may not be "easier than you'd think." Let's assume he doesn't call you. Maybe he sends you one word responses or forgets to text at all. It could be a mind game. It could be all for the thrill of the chase. But a chase is exhausting, mind games will mess with your sanity, and any man unwilling to spend one minute making you smile isn't worth you dedicating years, let alone seconds, worrying about him. NEXT!!

Lesson #2.  Guys (just like girls) MAY cheat
Yes.  It sucks.  But speaking from a survivor's stand-point - you DO get over it.  Yes, it totally blows to think about him hooking up with someone else but if he has the nerve to do that to you, do you even want to waste your time on him?  Life's too short to wait around for a guy who can't make up his mind. 

Lesson #3.  Never sacrifice "Girl Time" in order to hang out with you boyfriend
It can definitely be tempting to watch a movie on the couch with HIM instead of going out with the girls but if and when that relationship with HIM ends, you will be wondering where in the world all of your friendships disappeared to.  We've heard it a million times before, but NO GUY is worth losing your friendships.

Lesson #4.  Don't fall for the bullshit
Some guys (not ALL but a good percentage) are simply looking for ass.  Understandably, they have raging hormones so I geuss they are not completely to blame.  I realize that this is totally stereotypical but, from personal experience, I can't help but agree with this popular observation.  When guys are "on the prowl" they will say and/or do anything in order to get you where they want you.... if you get what I'm saying.  So, when I guy tells you how "beautiful your smile is" or how "sexy you look"... try to look for his true intentions.  Don't give in to bullshit because if a guy is really interested, he will be up for the challenge. 

Modern update: Geezsh! That was... bold? Though I do agree with the general message I was trying to get across here, I would word it a little differently now. I no longer believe that "a good percentage" of guys are "simply looking for ass." Some? Yes. But the poor fellas are pressured into hyper sexualized behavior by our ridiculous culture of sex-sex-sex and macho man aggression. Nevertheless, I stand by my advice to be careful around the shmoozers. If he calls you baby the first night you meet - run. 

Lesson #5.  Follow your heart, but let your common sense tag along
Sooner or later in a relationship, you are going to be faced with some definite issues.  It might be your friends saying "You deserve SOOO much better" or maybe it's him saying "I just don't know if this is working anymore."  Whatever the situation, remember to always go with what's in your heart.  I realize that is a pretty corny expression but it really does work.  Just ask yourself... what is best for me right now? Take out all of the extra people, all of the drama, and all of the criticizm and just think of yourself.  Decisions made with your heart are hardly ever regrets.  

Modern update: I applaud you, young Lauren. I admire your gutsiness to speak the truth as you knew it, in that moment, filled with all the emotion and angst that come with being an 18-year-old extrovert. I want to tell you that you're going to follow your own advice, listening to your heart over the opinions and judgments of others, but I won't lie to you. You're going to lose your way. You're going to make decisions that contradict the morals so intricately woven into your soul. And you'll hate that feeling. Your heart and your common sense will be beaten down by an overwhelming sense of "what is expected" or "what will make people happy." You'll struggle with this for the next five years. There will be times when are so lost that you fall to your knees and weep. You'll curse yourself for betraying the core of who you are. But you're human. Remember that everybody loses their way sometimes. You'll read somewhere that, "only once we are lost do we truly find ourselves" and you will know exactly what that means. You may stray from your personal truth. You may get lost on a pedestal that you don't even want to be on. But you'll will always find yourself again. 

Ten Men, Ten Letters

Each one of us has a story - a unique combinations of all the faces we've seen, places we've been, jokes we've heard, mistakes we've made, and pain we've felt. And at the core of every good story are people. Without friends to laugh with, eyes to stare into, hands to hold, shoulders to cry on, and ears to listen to the words we so desperately want to let out - what's the point? Our most intimately shared experiences, the precious moments when we look over and feel an overwhelming gratefulness for another's presence at that moment, those moments are what make life worth it. 

I've had more good women in my life than a Louisa May Alcott novel. But this post isn't about the females that I've grown to love, trust, and respect throughout my nearly 23 years on earth. It's about the men - some wise, some kind, some frustrating, some entertaining, some clever, and some reckless. This post is dedicated to ten men who changed the direction of my life, for better or worse. Some will see their letter and know right away that, yes, it is without a doubt written for them. Others will never see it at all. But don't worry, boys who've done me wrong, I'm taking the road not traveled by Miss Swift and planning to follow one simple rule: no name dropping.


Grace and Glory Man, 

I will never be able to quite comprehend what you did for me. You saw something beautiful in me that I couldn't see myself. But you see it in everybody - something worth saving. There are no words that fully express my gratitude, no song to fully express my love. I hope to live a life that makes you proud, acting out the kind of values that you have inspired within my heart - kindness, forgiveness, friendship, strength, guidance, and love. Thank you for giving me the greatest gift ever given: grace. 

Love, 
Lauren


Dear Karaoke and Crown Man, 

You instilled in me a love for Johnny Cash and Joan Jett. Some of my favorite memories include me, you, and a couple microphones. We were not a whole lot alike, in fact we couldn't be less alike if we tried. I wonder what you would say to me had you lived to see me grow up and shape my hard headed, left leaning opinions. No matter what, I know you would be proud of me.. all of me. And I miss you all the time.

Love, 
Lauren 


Dear Wit and Wisdom Man, 

You gave me every reason to look up to you. You refuse to participate in gossip. You live without fear of judgment or criticism. You see the good in people when it isn't easy to do so. I will never forget the way you hugged me when I had my heart broken for the first time, telling me it was going to be okay punky. I didn't believe you at the time. It didn't feel okay. But I should have listened to you. I should always listen to you. One day when I can't hear your voice anymore, I will rely on the messages you've engraved like permanent ink onto my heart. Be kind. Be honest. Show compassion. Work hard. Meet new people. And never, for any reason, stop being a kid at heart. You never did. And that's one of the million reasons why I love you.

Love, 
Lauren


Dear Innocence and Cigarettes Man, 

Oh, what a wicked little game we played. Despite all of evil words we screamed at each other, I meant it every single time that I told you I loved you. I cherish the good memories we had - you teaching me to change the oil in my car, asking me out on the 50 yard line of a football field, bringing me giant sunflowers when I had my tonsils out. You were my first love, even if that love didn't last. I know now that it was never supposed to. I'm sorry for my part in the mess we made, including but not limited to kicking you in the shin... instantly regretted that one. Though I do forgive you, your words and actions changed me forever. I'm still working on complete acceptance of who you are and the choices you've made but I don't hate you. Running into you was less awkward than I expected, which was a nice surprise. I hope that someday you find the kind of love that you never found with me, a love that fills your heart and ignites your dreams, a kind of love that you will never let go. You deserve that.

Love, 
Lauren 


Dear Adventure and Adrenaline Man, 

You were just like any other boy to me until one day, apparently overnight, during my junior year of high school I ran into you and realized: YOU. GOT. HOT. I was suddenly anxious and giggly anytime you walked into the room. I was so embarrassed at how easily you made me blush. You were so spontaneous and full of life. I once looked over from the passenger seat, after you had driven aimlessly for over an hour, and I asked, "Where are we going?" You replied with a huge smile, "I don't know... crazy?" I wanted so badly to keep your attention, to keep the fire burning that you lit inside my soul. When it ended, I was so desperate to get that feeling back. I regret the things I said to you out of anger. You were so wonderful, so spirited, so alive. Without you here, hundreds of hearts are missing an important piece. You are so missed, so loved, and so remembered for all of the beautiful things that you gave to each of us.

Love, 
Lauren 


Dear Redemption and Distance Man, 

You restored my faith in young men. I say that not to be cliche or dramatic but out of mere fact. I met you in a time when I had been lied to, cheated on, screamed at, and broken down to a point that I viewed myself and my romantic future as hopeless. All it took was your genuine interest and respect to give me a flicker of hope, something that I needed so badly at that time. I remember loving how when you hugged me, you really hugged me. Though thousands of miles and different life paths gave us little to no chance of making long term plans together, I will always respect the role you played in my life and the man you have grown to be.

Love, 
Lauren


Dear Juno and Jest Man, 

You were always on your game - quick wit, carefully crafted jokes, sincere compliments. You intrigued me. But we never had the right timing. Something always stood in the way of us going forward with anything serious. For a while, I was convinced that it was me. I wondered what I could do to make myself more "dateable" but perhaps we were always meant to be in each others' friend zones. It could have been the age difference. It could have been the distance. I appreciate the chance I got to know you and to delight in your good humor. Years from now, I hope that I run into you and that it won't be even the slightest bit awkward. I hope to shake hands with your future wife, a lady who I just know will be the rare combination of smart and beautiful, and I will compliment your tall, gorgeous children. Until then, I hope you are happy. You remain one of the funniest men I've ever met.

Love, 
Lauren


Dear Late Nights and Bud Lights Man, 


No matter where I go or who I meet, I am convinced that you have a sense of humor most closely matched to my own... but funnier of course. You have a way of taking any given situation, even the most mundane or routine, and providing fascinating insight and a fresh perspective. You make me laugh so hard my stomach hurts with jokes that take a unique sort of timing and a bright of mind. You are so much smarter than you give yourself credit for. I admire your selflessness, your ability to hold a conversation with almost anybody, and your kind heart. I consider you a forever friend.

Love, 
Lauren 


Dear Advice and Knowledge Man, 

You will forever be the greatest teacher I ever had. There hasn't been a day of my life post-grad that I don't miss your challenging assignments, thought provoking lectures, and entertaining anecdotes. I worry that I have disappointed you, that I have not continued on the path that you had helped set for me. Always know that I am forever grateful for the opportunities you provided me with, the advice you gave to me, and the wonderful lessons you taught me. I hope to make you proud.

Love, 
Lauren


Dear Forever and Ever Man, 

You are my happy. I knew from the first time that I saw you smile that I wanted to do anything I could to see that smile every day. I didn't know how or why but you made my heart sing. Looking into your brown eyes, so unlike my own, I found the very thing that I never knew I needed, an anchor for my wandering soul. You keep me grounded in the most beautiful way, with love and unwavering acceptance. When I'm caught up in the kind of overwhelming emotion that has accompanied me most of my life, you are my sturdy rock. I'm never lost anymore. You are home to me. Nearly four years from the first time I saw that gorgeous smile, I have grown to love it even more. I've grown to love all of you more than I have ever loved anything in my life. I vow to never stop making you smile.

Love, 
Lauren