My Dearest North Dakota

I'm a North Dakota girl to my core. I get cravings for fleischkuekle and kneophla soup just about as often as I catch myself saying, "Uf da!" and "Gesundheit!" I'm five years out of Beulah High School but can still chant every word to the school song (ra-ra-ra). When I travel and people ask if I'm Canadian, which happens more than I'd like to think dontchaknow, I am quick to respond that I am a proud North Dakota citizen. 

But today I'm not so certain. 

Yesterday hundreds of North Dakotans gathered around the state in support of women's rights but today Governor Jack Dalrymple signed HB 1305, HB 1456 and SB 2305. He provided the following statements:

"North Dakota House and Senate presiding officers:

I have signed HB 1305 which would ban abortions performed solely for the purpose of gender selection and genetic abnormalities.

I have signed HB 1456 which would ban abortions after the detection of a fetal heartbeat. Although the likelihood of this measure surviving a court challenge remains in question, this bill is nevertheless a legitimate attempt by a state legislature to discover the boundaries of Roe v. Wade. Because the U.S. Supreme Court has allowed state restrictions on the performing of abortions and because the Supreme Court has never considered this precise restriction in HB 1456, the constitutionality of this measure is an open question. The Legislative Assembly before it adjourns should appropriate dollars for a litigation fund available to the Attorney General.

I have signed SB 2305 which requires admitting and staff privileges at a nearby hospital for any physician who performs abortions in North Dakota. The added requirement that the hospital privileges must include allowing abortions to take place in their facility greatly increases the chances that this measure will face a court challenge. Nevertheless, it is a legitimate and new question for the courts regarding a precise restriction on doctors who perform abortions." 

Governor Dalrymple, a man who swore to uphold the Constitution when he took office, seems to admit in his own statement that weeelllllll, this may not exactly be constitutional but let's give it a go anyway. It appears that Gov. Dalrymple and the majority of the ND legislators are forgetting, or disregarding, the fact that this issue was already settled on January 22, 1973 in the Roe v. Wade ruling. The passage of these bills serves as a declaration that North Dakota is willing to spend our tax dollars in costly litigation fees - arguing a case that has already been decided and will inevitably be deemed unconstitutional - instead of funding the programs we so desperately need. If implemented, these laws would not only outlaw almost all abortions but could also put an end to many forms of birth control, as well as in-vitro fertilization, a process that helped bring one of my favorite little boys into the world.

The lawmakers in support of these bills are quick to call themselves pro-life but my question is this: are they pro-ALL life... or just the unborn? Does the word life not apply to those children already born? They deny funding for early education programs, school milk, and the overall betterment of children around the state but continue to call themselves pro-life. Does the word life not apply to the innocent children killed in the Sandy Hook shootings? They are quick to use the Constitution to defend their 2nd amendment right to own a gun but throw that same logic in the trash when it comes to a women's right to choose, deemed a fundamental right under the Constitution. Does the word life not apply for gay, lesbian, and transgendered North Dakotans? Our state is so far from providing equal rights under law that we have become the laughing stock of the country. 

But they claim to be doing all of this in the name of being pro-life.. traditional.. moral.. conservative.. and countless other "badges of honor." What I ask of them is to start incorporating ALL human life into your pro-life stance. I urge that they stop seeing the past and all of the "traditional ways" as what this country ought to be because, in all honesty, it is like hoping to go back to the way we NEVER were. That yesteryear that they hold so dear, that Leave It to Beaver lifestyle, it was strung together with sexism, racism, and homophobia and we need to move past that not strive for it all over again. While being moral is something we can all hope for, I want them to try to understand that morality and religiosity are not one in the same. I reserve the right to believe in a beautiful, amazing God just as much as I respect my coworker's right to believe in no God at all. America is the land of the free and home of the brave because we are free enough to believe what we want and brave enough to say, "My neighbor doesn't have to agree with that." 

And that tricky conservative word - are they really? I don't complain about having to pay taxes because I like to believe that my government will spend my hard earned money for the betterment of my state and my country. But when bills are passed for the simple purpose of setting a precedent or in an attempt to "discover the boundaries of Roe v. Wade" (boundaries that have already been set), then yes I get angry. Yes I get loud. Yes I will fight back with the kind of protests you've never heard from this good ol' Lutheran girl. Only weeks ago these lawmakers ruled that we didn't have the funds to pay for school milk but are claiming that we now conveniently have the money to pay for legal proceedings in a matter that has already been decided. In the words of my brilliant, smart ass mother - are you FRICKIN kiddin me?

Gov. Dalrymple and All Those Who Supported These Bills: 

PLEASE respect the fact that I am a strong, competent woman. I can make decisions about my reproductive health without you voting on it. Stop wasting my tax money on a decision that was made 40 years ago. I hate abortion as much as you do because, guess what, NOBODY likes abortion. The way you make rates go down is by funding comprehensive sex education and making birth control MORE accessible not less. 

I want to believe in North Dakota. I want to be proud of the state in which I was born and raised, where my husband and I bought our first home, where I hope to show my children the beauty of a Mercer County sunset and the pride that comes with growing our own food. I want that dream so badly but North Dakota... you are making it so difficult. Please listen to the disappointed voices today (and all the days to come) and try your very best not to label us pro-abortion or anti-God. I am pro-life and I love and serve God. I just see the world through a slightly different lens than your own. 

All My Love,
Lauren

Please Don't Forget Me

It's been far too long since I last sat here - wrapped up in this blanket, computer resting in my lap, prepared to divulge my innermost thoughts and personal experiences. To be honest, I haven't felt incredibly inspired lately. It would be convenient to blame the dreary North Dakota winter or my monotonous work schedule but I know deep in my heart that it is more than that. 

The truth is I have been "in my own head" lately, more than I have been in a long time. And, unfortunately, not in the creative way - not in a way that energizes me and encourages me to create something. I have been critical. Doubtful. Cynical. Fearful. All of which look good on absolutely no one. After much thinking (and over-thinking) about this aching in my heart, I believe I have discovered the root cause, a fear that I have felt growing over the past few months. I am so afraid of losing my friends. 

I don't mean losing them in the morbid sense of the word, though that too is a fear after losing too many friends far too young. What I mean when I say losing them is that I fear being forgotten, being a memory, being referred to as " an old high school/college classmate" instead of "my best friend, Lauren." 

I consider myself incredibly blessed for having the core group of friends that I do. One who will tell me the honest-to-God truth, even when it breaks her heart. One who will let me be completely myself, even when I am embarrassing or ridiculous. One who can get me out of my comfort zone, even when I'm being stubborn. One who will let me vent, even when she can't understand my reasoning. One who leads by example and proves impossible is nothing. One who can inspire me at all times to be a better woman than I have ever been. 

I read that things change and friends leave and life doesn't stop for anybody. But it doesn't stop me from wishing I could. I wish I could have stopped time the moment Carissa Suter and I realized how delicious marshmallows and chocolate syrup could be. I wish I could pause the moment my dad caught Michelle Montoya and I drinking Mike's Hard Lemonades at the lake. I wish I could go back to the moment I first met Carrie Bertsch and Rebecca Aman in that little Dahl Hall lounge. I wish I could freeze-frame the moment Hannah Sargent and I decided to form a stampede out of a house party. I wish I could walk down the steps of our old townhouse and see Mikayla Martens getting ready for another one of our lady dates at Chumleys. 

My friends are my heroes. My protectors. My motivators. My sidekicks. They are all so very different from one another but they share one thing that they may never completely understand, for it is far deeper than anything I could ever put into words. Each one of them has my undying, unstoppable, unfailing love and respect for the girls they were and the women they have become. I am who I am because of every time they dropped what they were doing to be next to me. To let me tell them just one more time how much of an asshole he was. To watch me get back with him. To hold my hand. To hold my hair (yikes). To help me get dressed. To watch me walk down an aisle decorated with flower petals to a man they finally approved of. 

And one by one I have said goodbye. I smiled as I told them that I was happy for them and so unbelievably proud of them and I meant it with the utmost sincerity. But part of my heart broke with each goodbye and left me with this looming fear: I hope they never forget about me. It feels like a piece of me is living, breathing, working, and dreaming alongside them - in Bismarck, Dickinson, small town Minnesota, Washington D.C. and an organic farm in Australia. 

My beautiful ladies, please remember I'm here - when you're sad, happy, lonely, frustrated, scared. Carry me around in your heart as you do all of the wonderful things in your future. Remind yourself how wonderful you are when I'm not there to do it for you. Call me whenever you want to, 2 PM... 2 AM... it doesn't matter. I LOVE you. With all that I have and with all that I am. I pray every single night that you know how loved you are. How beautiful you are. How precious you are. 

And I hope that every single one of you reading this knows that you have someone wishing the very same things for you.