Please Don't Forget Me

It's been far too long since I last sat here - wrapped up in this blanket, computer resting in my lap, prepared to divulge my innermost thoughts and personal experiences. To be honest, I haven't felt incredibly inspired lately. It would be convenient to blame the dreary North Dakota winter or my monotonous work schedule but I know deep in my heart that it is more than that. 

The truth is I have been "in my own head" lately, more than I have been in a long time. And, unfortunately, not in the creative way - not in a way that energizes me and encourages me to create something. I have been critical. Doubtful. Cynical. Fearful. All of which look good on absolutely no one. After much thinking (and over-thinking) about this aching in my heart, I believe I have discovered the root cause, a fear that I have felt growing over the past few months. I am so afraid of losing my friends. 

I don't mean losing them in the morbid sense of the word, though that too is a fear after losing too many friends far too young. What I mean when I say losing them is that I fear being forgotten, being a memory, being referred to as " an old high school/college classmate" instead of "my best friend, Lauren." 

I consider myself incredibly blessed for having the core group of friends that I do. One who will tell me the honest-to-God truth, even when it breaks her heart. One who will let me be completely myself, even when I am embarrassing or ridiculous. One who can get me out of my comfort zone, even when I'm being stubborn. One who will let me vent, even when she can't understand my reasoning. One who leads by example and proves impossible is nothing. One who can inspire me at all times to be a better woman than I have ever been. 

I read that things change and friends leave and life doesn't stop for anybody. But it doesn't stop me from wishing I could. I wish I could have stopped time the moment Carissa Suter and I realized how delicious marshmallows and chocolate syrup could be. I wish I could pause the moment my dad caught Michelle Montoya and I drinking Mike's Hard Lemonades at the lake. I wish I could go back to the moment I first met Carrie Bertsch and Rebecca Aman in that little Dahl Hall lounge. I wish I could freeze-frame the moment Hannah Sargent and I decided to form a stampede out of a house party. I wish I could walk down the steps of our old townhouse and see Mikayla Martens getting ready for another one of our lady dates at Chumleys. 

My friends are my heroes. My protectors. My motivators. My sidekicks. They are all so very different from one another but they share one thing that they may never completely understand, for it is far deeper than anything I could ever put into words. Each one of them has my undying, unstoppable, unfailing love and respect for the girls they were and the women they have become. I am who I am because of every time they dropped what they were doing to be next to me. To let me tell them just one more time how much of an asshole he was. To watch me get back with him. To hold my hand. To hold my hair (yikes). To help me get dressed. To watch me walk down an aisle decorated with flower petals to a man they finally approved of. 

And one by one I have said goodbye. I smiled as I told them that I was happy for them and so unbelievably proud of them and I meant it with the utmost sincerity. But part of my heart broke with each goodbye and left me with this looming fear: I hope they never forget about me. It feels like a piece of me is living, breathing, working, and dreaming alongside them - in Bismarck, Dickinson, small town Minnesota, Washington D.C. and an organic farm in Australia. 

My beautiful ladies, please remember I'm here - when you're sad, happy, lonely, frustrated, scared. Carry me around in your heart as you do all of the wonderful things in your future. Remind yourself how wonderful you are when I'm not there to do it for you. Call me whenever you want to, 2 PM... 2 AM... it doesn't matter. I LOVE you. With all that I have and with all that I am. I pray every single night that you know how loved you are. How beautiful you are. How precious you are. 

And I hope that every single one of you reading this knows that you have someone wishing the very same things for you.