Above All Else, Love

I can still hear his words so clearly. 

"I think all of the gays should be taken out back and shot." 

I remember the fire that lit inside of my veins at that moment. I snapped my head to my right, fixing my angry eyes on the boy sitting next to me. He was a very average boy in my small town - cute but not too cute, smart but not too smart. I was sitting next to this very average boy on a very average day in sociology class during the middle of our senior year of high school - our minds fixed on the next home basketball game, who would ask us to prom, or what excuse we would give our parents to stay out a little past curfew. We were just average kids. Good kids. But there, right in the middle of our daydreams and our innocence, was something that made my heart sink into my stomach. It was sitting right next to me in a flannel shirt. The average boy with the handsome smile, a smile that gave me butterflies in middle school, said some of the worst words I'd ever heard in my seventeen years. That smile looked like a smirk now as his eyes met my own and he saw my outrage. 

"What did you say?" 

He didn't back down. He didn't even blink. 

"It's just gross. You can't be mad at me for that. God is the one saying they're going to hell. I'm just saying that I wish we could just line 'em up and shoot 'em." 

My ears were burning. I felt nauseous. My mouth went dry and I couldn't get my voice to make a sound. I wanted to scream. For reasons I still don't understand, the teacher kept on with the lecture. No harsh words for this boy. No punishment. 

It's been over five years since this particular incident. That fire still runs through my veins when I think about it. My ears still burn. But I'm not silent anymore. In fact, I have a lot to say. And I pray he reads this. 

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Dear Young and Misinformed,

I'm still so angry with what you said. You casually used God as a justification for wanting gay people to die. Maybe you were making a horrible joke. Maybe you've progressed in your thinking and you now see just how ridiculous your argument was. Maybe you are in a healthy love and can now understand just how important that feeling is for all people. If so - perhaps this letter doesn't apply. 

But I fear that it does. I may not have been as articulate as I had hoped to be all those years ago but I have a few things I'd love to say if you'll give me the chance. 

First and foremost, I want to state that I too am a firm believer in God - the creator of Heaven and Earth. I believe that a man named Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross for all of us, freeing us from our sin. I believe that we will all be judged by our Creator. Only our Creator. 

And that is where we disagreed so long ago.  

We have what I like to call social lenses - perspectives through which we view the world. Despite our shared history of friends and small town activities, you and I are going to read the Bible from two different perspectives. You have an entirely separate set of experiences than I do and it would be naive to assume that we would share the same social lens when reading the Bible or anything else for that matter. 

There are seven total verses in the entire Bible that could even remotely apply to what we would now call homosexuality. Granted, the Bible does not actually deal with the kind of homosexuality that we often see today – monogamous, long-term, loving relationships  - because there was no concept of it back then. There was no Greek word for it, no Aramaic word for it, and no Hebrew word for it. I believe that the Bible is the word of God. I also believe that those words were put into the minds of men of that time and that they wrote their respective books of the Bible through their social lenses at that time, using the words available to them.

Biblical literalists are quick to argue, “That’s what the Bible says!” But is it? Or is that how you are reading it through your social lens? We need to determine the context and language and culture and customs of the time in which the Bible was written in order to understand the meaning of what is truly being said.

So let's start with the most commonly used argument against homosexuality. Leviticus 20 reads: “If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.”

So there it is. Sleeping with another man is an abomination. That’s what the Bible says. It is punishable by death. But what exactly is an abomination? It means the mother of all sins, right? The worst of the worst, worthy of damnation? Not so much. The Hebrew definition of an abomination meant anything that went against tradition or against ritual. Other abominations included eating shrimp, co-mingling crops, eating rabbit, and wearing clothes of two fabrics (i.e. wool and linen).

When the Bible was written, the growth of the Hebrew nation depended upon making lots and lots of babies. To be frank: semen was a valuable resource and needed to be protected. A guy in the Old Testament named Onan ejaculated outside of the woman so that she wouldn't get pregnant and God struck him dead. The “spilling of his seed” was against tradition, ritually impure, and worthy of death – an abomination.

And then of course there is the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. I have heard this story told so many times as an example of God’s disgust and hatred of homosexuality. But let’s get some facts straight.

God declared he was going to destroy the towns of Sodom and Gomorrah. He had heard they are exceedingly wicked towns and sent two angels to see what was up. Abraham went with the angels to visit a man named Lot. Lot was a really cool guy, welcoming them in for food and conversation, as required by Hebrew law. Not welcoming in strangers was a serious social no-no.

But the town of Sodom was a very wealthy community. They didn't like the idea of strangers coming in and threatening their wealth so they canceled that law. When law enforcement got word that Lot had welcomed in these outsiders, they sent officers to pound on the doors of the house, telling the visitors to go away.

Now this is where it gets tricky.

One translation reads, "Let these men come out so we can have sex with them," while another reads, "Let these men come out so we can know them."

It is speculated that the officers were so angry that they wanted to gang rape these men, an act of humiliation used as punishment at the time. Defeated members of an army would sometimes be anally raped as a means of demeaning and humiliating them even further. The angels struck the officers with blindness and ushered Lot and his family to safety.

The story is not about perversity. It is not about God's hatred of homosexuals. It is about cruelty and inhospitality. The irony of it all is that by judging homosexuality so harshly, fundamentalist Christians are disregarding kindness and compassion and committing the very sins that got Sodom and Gomorrah burnt to the ground. Inhospitality. Cruelty. Hatred.

But maybe we should talk about Romans 1:26. It reads: "God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned their natural relationships with women and were inflamed with lust for one another."

That seems pretty cut and dry right? 

Except it's not. 

The Jewish context for the words natural and unnatural can be translated to customary and uncustomary. It is clear that God disapproves of same sex genital intimacy because it does not produce children. Yet neither does sex for pleasure between a man and a woman on birth control. Neither does sex after menopause. Neither does masturbation. But we don't refer to those acts as unnatural because they do not produce children.

The Bible is a love story; a story of epic proportions about sacrifice, kindness, hope, and forgiveness. Not hate. Not torture. Not human judgment. The texts used against present day homosexuality are inappropriate because, in the time the Bible was written, it was uncustomary to see the kinds of long-term, loving relationships between two men or two women that we see today. When writing the Bible, these men could not have even comprehended the kind of monogamous, dedicated gay relationships that we see today. It was no fault of their own. It was merely outside of the social lens.

Sexuality is one component of the far greater, more powerful phenomenon of love. I am a straight, happily married woman and enjoy a healthy sexual relationship with my husband. So why is it that nobody judges how appropriate or strong our relationship is based solely on our sexual tendencies? 

Because love is more than sex.

Homosexuality is not the sin. The sin is the fear and loathing of homosexuals. Judgment is sinful. Hatred is sinful. And by using God as a justification for that hate, you are doing yourself and your faith such a disservice. God wants us to grow in our faith and in our love for one another. Hate limits us. Denying change limits us. Please free your mind from the shackles of your disgust and judgment and try to open your heart. 

Marriage used to be the acquisition of a woman to a man. Yes, acquisition. As in property. He would give her a marriage band and she was legally his. But we have progressed as a society since then. With the exception of a few men stuck in the metaphorical Stone Age, it is a generally accepted idea that women deserve more than that. Both men and women now exchange rings, vowing to honor and respect each other until death do they part.

Until sometimes it doesn’t. Divorce rates hang out right around the 50% mark in this country. Just over 41% of marriages consist of one or both spouses committing adultery. But we’ll just sweep those stats under the rug with working on the Sabbath and not taking the Lord’s name in vain. 

Is homosexuality clumped together with the far greater sins somewhere and I didn't get the memo? 

Some of the most well known Biblical literalists in the country, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Jim Dobson, and the like, believe that the Bible is to be read as word-for-word truth. No interpretation. No cultural adaptation. No wiggle room. No exceptions. Except for that line about "give all that you have to the poor" right? Their multi-million dollar a year salaries seem to go against that one but we can sweep that right under the rug with the others. Uff. It's getting crowded under there.

Oooh but now I'm started on Jim Dobson. He's the Focus on the Family dude whose Love Won Out reparative treatment program claims to help homosexuals transition out of this lifestyle choice.

Interesting. 

Because the American Medical Association, American Psychiatric Association, American Psychological Association, American Psychoanalytical Association, The American Academy of Pediatrics, and The National Association of Social Workers have all stated: 

•       homosexuality should not be viewed as a mental disorder

•       we do not encourage or condone reparative or conversion therapy

•       sexual orientation is not a choice and it cannot be changed

I like to think doctors and scientists know a thing or two. But aside from their medical and scientific expertise, I have my own brain and my own heart. It is pretty common sense to think that if I were pressured to deny a key aspect of my identity, disastrous consequences could follow. 

Studies estimate that LGBT teens are three to seven times more likely to attempt suicide. It is estimated that every five hours, an LGBT teen takes their life. For every one who completes suicide, there are 20 more who tried. This is an epidemic and words like yours are the fuel to the fire.

That declaration of yours that gays should be taken out back and shot... that right there is the fuel. Did you stop to think that the boy next to you could have been questioning his sexuality? Probably not. But you're not alone. That same message is laced in the sermons regarding the perversion of homosexuality. It is heard in the insults hurled at athletes when they make a mistake - "sissies" or "pansies" or "faggots." 

Words are so powerful. And you sure did choose some awful ones. Maybe it was fear, a claim I know you will deny. Because you're probably not afraid of anything. You're a big strong man. Definitely not afraid of homosexuals. Disgusted but not afraid. 

But at the very core of your disgust is fear. You're afraid of what social changes could occur if gay marriage were legalized in this country. Making an other brings a sense of togetherness for all of those outside of that label - we can be a group and all of them are outsiders. The Bible has been used in the past to justify the despicable treatment of blacks, Jews, and women, baseless justifications that we now look back on with shame and embarrassment, and yet here we (or rather you) are again: doing the exact same thing to gay people.  

I refuse to hate you. I refuse to become prejudiced against the prejudiced because I will never stoop to that level. My favorite passage in the entire Bible is 1 Peter Chapter 4 verses 8-10 which reads: "Above all else, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms." 

My God-given gift is to take the complexity of thoughts and emotions and chaos in my mind and turn it into relatable words for others to read. I strive to be a faithful steward of God's grace through my words - words of kindness, compassion, and tolerance. Above all else, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. If you take one thing from this lengthy, wordy post, let it be that right there. Above all else: love. 

Sincerely, 

Lauren 

P.S. As I was about to hit "publish" my phone buzz buzzed. NBC News informed me that Rhode Island's governor just signed a bill making it the tenth state to allow same-sex marriage.... 

"You better start swimming or you'll sink like a stone. Oh the times they are a-changin'!"

Maybe I Wasn't So Lost

Once upon a time, in the age of Aeropostale and Blackberries, there were posts sent via email, Facebook note, or Myspace post asking a variety of questions: favorite color, favorite song, most attractive feature in your crush, so on and so forth. The surveys would request that you answer the questions and pass it along to your friends to do the same. Seeing as everyone was just dying to know how many piercings I had, plus I had far too much time on my idle high school hands, I obviously participated in each and every survey. I stumbled across some of the answers I gave in 2007, during my junior in high school. Mind you this was in the middle of what I now refer to as "The Lost Years" but, all things considered, maybe I wasn't so lost after all.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Love is more complex than that. I do believe in "Lust at First Sight."

How do you know it's right?
It's just a feeling. I had it once but it faded. Things change.

When are you the happiest in a relationship?
When I am comfortable enough to be myself, flaws and all.

Describe your dream person.
Passionate, Strong, Emotional, Intelligent, Opinionated, Open-Minded, Genuine


Though my taste in music at the time was questionable at best and my wardrobe included far too many worn out graphic tees and ill fitting jeans, I have to give 17-year-old Lauren this: she knew her shit. At least in theory. In practice maybe not so much, judging by the train wreck of a relationship I was in at the time, but overall this younger me seemed pretty confident about the idea of healthy love. 

Five years later, I still don't believe in love at first sight. I believe that love can fade and things can change faster than we ever want to admit. I am by far the most comfortable in relationships that don't require me to wear makeup or uncomfortable shoes. And that passionate, strong, emotional, intelligent, opinionated, open-minded, genuine dream man? I married him on a windy June day with flowers in my hair - the kind of day and the kind of man I dreamt about for as long as I can remember. 

But there's a false assumption I held for all those years, when I was too young and too idealistic to know better. Though I never said it out loud, I believed that true love would fix everything. Our days would consist of bike rides on the beach and picnics in a meadow somewhere. Unfortunately I'm only mildly exaggerating. I truly believed that a strong love would bring unconditional happiness. 

The truth is not always so glamorous. There is nothing in this whole world that can do that. Despite the beauty and warmth that exists in the world, we are meant to have some really rough days. We are made to have our faith tested. We are supposed to lose trust every now and then. We need the rain. 

The love of a great man can do a lot of powerful things but it can't do everything. It can't take away the insecurities developed long before he came into my life. It can't heal the dull ache in my chest when I miss the sound of a laugh I'll never hear again. It can't stop my mind from over thinking every criticism hurled my way by someone who will never understand me. For logistical reasons, it can't make bike rides on the beach and picnics in the meadow a very common occurrence. 

He can't fix me. He can't heal me. He can't save me. He can't change me.
But he can (and does) support me. Encourage me. Challenge me. Listen to me. 

How do you know when it's right? - the survey asked.

I still believe in the answer I gave back in the era of hole-filled jeans and low cut tops. It's just a feeling. I had it once but it faded. Things change. 

It was an honest answer. I had fallen in love. I had given my heart to a boy with long blonde hair and an interesting mind and trusted him not to break it. He did the same. But the love faded. Things changed. We wound up hurting each other in ways we never intended to. 

So what makes one love stronger than the last? Is is possible this too will fade away, leaving only bittersweet memories and lessons learned the hard way? 

No. I know in my heart it never will. It's a difficult thing to put into words but just as sure as I am about God, gravity, and goodness in the world  - I am sure about this man.

A couple days ago, he was getting ready to go to the gym, loading up his backpack and talking in his usual matter-of-fact tone while still keeping sense of light heartedness and kindness. When he looked up, I was overwhelmed with a feeling that strikes me every now and again. It's like I see something new in him, something I've never seen before, and I fall a little deeper in love. It hits me at the strangest moments that this man I'm looking at - his huge smile, his strong arms, his caramel eyes, his kind heart, his brilliant mind - they were all there long before we met. They existed during a time when I was in love with somebody else. This man, so different from myself, has a whole lifetime of memories and ideas and dreams, many of which came before he knew my name. The bond between us contains both a familiarity and a great sense of mystery, connecting us in a way that makes us feel alive but keeps us wondering if we could ever love each other any more than we already do. 

I want to spend the rest of my life getting to know him better. I want to fall even more in love with him over silly faces across the table. Over cups of coffee on the patio. Over competitive board games in our pajamas. Over daydreaming out loud together. Over each hill that is sure to come our way. I want to climb each one together. 

Beautiful Moments in My Messy Life

A little over a week ago, my 52-year-old uncle died suddenly of a heart attack. He was my mother's older brother, my grandmother's first born son, a husband to his high school sweetheart, a father of two, and a grandfather of four. He was a great man, the kind of guy to give up his seat in a crowded room or lend you his trailer if you needed to move. A stand up guy, as I've heard people say.

I looked around the memorial service, in a room full of grieving family members and friends, knowing with absolute certainty that my uncle not only changed our lives - he enriched them, strengthened them, and bettered them just by being there. Being present. Listening intently. Laughing with his whole body. Loving whole heartedly. Hugging tightly. Speaking truthfully. He was always really there.

His sudden passing got me thinking about my own life and the people in it. One minute my uncle was about to get into his truck and go home; the next minute he was gone. It sounds cliche to say, "tomorrow isn't guaranteed," but I'm learning more and more how painfully true that is. 

So after countless tears shed and many hours spent soul searching, I'm learning to thank God more and more for the kind of everyday miracles I tend to overlook and under appreciate. I want to make a conscious effort to appreciate the beautiful moments in my messy life. The simple blessings. 

And I started today.

I woke up far too early to a dreary, overcast sky... but thanked God for waking me up. Clouds and all. Morning shift and all. I'm alive. I'm healthy. That in and of itself is a blessing.

I looked to my left and saw my husband sleeping so soundly. I listened to his steady breathing for a minute, cuddling my head against his chest and shoulder (let's be real... it was kind of his armpit), a place that has become a second pillow for me over the years. Still half-asleep, he pulled me close and said in the softest, kindest voice, "I love you so much." His eyes were still closed, his mind still dreaming, but there is always something incredible about those first words in the morning, laced with the kind of sincerity and vulnerability that is hard to find at 3 in the afternoon. I kissed his cheek, well... I kissed his beard... and thanked God for every second he has given me with this beautiful man. And his beard. 

I drove to a job I enjoy.. in a car I can afford.. with music that I love - three things I may not have remembered to be thankful for yesterday. But today I am. I really am. 

I got a nosebleed on the way home from work, something that is pretty impossible to be grateful for, but I quickly remembered the time Grandma Jean and I high-fived over our shared sinus issues. I started laughing. Just me. Driving down I-29. Laughing about how cool my grandma is and, even though there are 50-some odd years between us, how she is one of my best friends. I'm so blessed to still have her in my life.

And when I walked through the door after a short shift, my adorable puppies bounced around at my feet with the kind of excitement that is hard to match as a human. But I tried anyway. They are always completely pumped up to see me - the simple sight of the person they love fills them with pure, uninhibited joy. Why should my reaction be any different? And when they ran around in the backyard for a few minutes and came back covered in mud, I reminded myself that mud means spring and spring means gardening and gardening means vegetables. And what's not to love about fresh, homegrown vegetables? Yeah.. that one was a bit of a stretch but I'm really trying here. 

There are always reasons to complain. The overcast skies, the nosebleeds, the muddy puppies - it would be easy to add them all up and call this another blah Sunday in my very average life. But I'm through with that. There are going to be rough days, days when my heart is aching and my eyes can't handle even one more tear, but that's not today. Today is beautiful in its simplicity. My heart is still aching over the loss of a good man but I am here. This is my life. I could spend the next few days, weeks, or years wishing for something different, something better, or I could take the time to try and appreciate the way it is right now. 

I refuse to be a half-assed participant in my own life. I'm going to laugh as loud as I'd like to, hug as long as I'd like to, and love as deeply as I'd like to because life is too damn short not to. From this point on, I am choosing to be grateful. 

My Dearest North Dakota

I'm a North Dakota girl to my core. I get cravings for fleischkuekle and kneophla soup just about as often as I catch myself saying, "Uf da!" and "Gesundheit!" I'm five years out of Beulah High School but can still chant every word to the school song (ra-ra-ra). When I travel and people ask if I'm Canadian, which happens more than I'd like to think dontchaknow, I am quick to respond that I am a proud North Dakota citizen. 

But today I'm not so certain. 

Yesterday hundreds of North Dakotans gathered around the state in support of women's rights but today Governor Jack Dalrymple signed HB 1305, HB 1456 and SB 2305. He provided the following statements:

"North Dakota House and Senate presiding officers:

I have signed HB 1305 which would ban abortions performed solely for the purpose of gender selection and genetic abnormalities.

I have signed HB 1456 which would ban abortions after the detection of a fetal heartbeat. Although the likelihood of this measure surviving a court challenge remains in question, this bill is nevertheless a legitimate attempt by a state legislature to discover the boundaries of Roe v. Wade. Because the U.S. Supreme Court has allowed state restrictions on the performing of abortions and because the Supreme Court has never considered this precise restriction in HB 1456, the constitutionality of this measure is an open question. The Legislative Assembly before it adjourns should appropriate dollars for a litigation fund available to the Attorney General.

I have signed SB 2305 which requires admitting and staff privileges at a nearby hospital for any physician who performs abortions in North Dakota. The added requirement that the hospital privileges must include allowing abortions to take place in their facility greatly increases the chances that this measure will face a court challenge. Nevertheless, it is a legitimate and new question for the courts regarding a precise restriction on doctors who perform abortions." 

Governor Dalrymple, a man who swore to uphold the Constitution when he took office, seems to admit in his own statement that weeelllllll, this may not exactly be constitutional but let's give it a go anyway. It appears that Gov. Dalrymple and the majority of the ND legislators are forgetting, or disregarding, the fact that this issue was already settled on January 22, 1973 in the Roe v. Wade ruling. The passage of these bills serves as a declaration that North Dakota is willing to spend our tax dollars in costly litigation fees - arguing a case that has already been decided and will inevitably be deemed unconstitutional - instead of funding the programs we so desperately need. If implemented, these laws would not only outlaw almost all abortions but could also put an end to many forms of birth control, as well as in-vitro fertilization, a process that helped bring one of my favorite little boys into the world.

The lawmakers in support of these bills are quick to call themselves pro-life but my question is this: are they pro-ALL life... or just the unborn? Does the word life not apply to those children already born? They deny funding for early education programs, school milk, and the overall betterment of children around the state but continue to call themselves pro-life. Does the word life not apply to the innocent children killed in the Sandy Hook shootings? They are quick to use the Constitution to defend their 2nd amendment right to own a gun but throw that same logic in the trash when it comes to a women's right to choose, deemed a fundamental right under the Constitution. Does the word life not apply for gay, lesbian, and transgendered North Dakotans? Our state is so far from providing equal rights under law that we have become the laughing stock of the country. 

But they claim to be doing all of this in the name of being pro-life.. traditional.. moral.. conservative.. and countless other "badges of honor." What I ask of them is to start incorporating ALL human life into your pro-life stance. I urge that they stop seeing the past and all of the "traditional ways" as what this country ought to be because, in all honesty, it is like hoping to go back to the way we NEVER were. That yesteryear that they hold so dear, that Leave It to Beaver lifestyle, it was strung together with sexism, racism, and homophobia and we need to move past that not strive for it all over again. While being moral is something we can all hope for, I want them to try to understand that morality and religiosity are not one in the same. I reserve the right to believe in a beautiful, amazing God just as much as I respect my coworker's right to believe in no God at all. America is the land of the free and home of the brave because we are free enough to believe what we want and brave enough to say, "My neighbor doesn't have to agree with that." 

And that tricky conservative word - are they really? I don't complain about having to pay taxes because I like to believe that my government will spend my hard earned money for the betterment of my state and my country. But when bills are passed for the simple purpose of setting a precedent or in an attempt to "discover the boundaries of Roe v. Wade" (boundaries that have already been set), then yes I get angry. Yes I get loud. Yes I will fight back with the kind of protests you've never heard from this good ol' Lutheran girl. Only weeks ago these lawmakers ruled that we didn't have the funds to pay for school milk but are claiming that we now conveniently have the money to pay for legal proceedings in a matter that has already been decided. In the words of my brilliant, smart ass mother - are you FRICKIN kiddin me?

Gov. Dalrymple and All Those Who Supported These Bills: 

PLEASE respect the fact that I am a strong, competent woman. I can make decisions about my reproductive health without you voting on it. Stop wasting my tax money on a decision that was made 40 years ago. I hate abortion as much as you do because, guess what, NOBODY likes abortion. The way you make rates go down is by funding comprehensive sex education and making birth control MORE accessible not less. 

I want to believe in North Dakota. I want to be proud of the state in which I was born and raised, where my husband and I bought our first home, where I hope to show my children the beauty of a Mercer County sunset and the pride that comes with growing our own food. I want that dream so badly but North Dakota... you are making it so difficult. Please listen to the disappointed voices today (and all the days to come) and try your very best not to label us pro-abortion or anti-God. I am pro-life and I love and serve God. I just see the world through a slightly different lens than your own. 

All My Love,
Lauren