Twenty-Three

Within any given day, I would estimate that I spew a dozen or so curse words, tell 2 or 3 lies (... nope... even that was a lie... maybe 4 or 5 lies), forget once or twice where I left my keys/phone/fill-in-the-blank, snap at my husband at least once for something out of his control, make 5 or so excuses not to unload the dishwasher or sweep the bathroom floor, form 6 or 7 unfair judgments about strangers, stub my toe or trip up the stairs at least once, complain about a few first world problems, and make about a half dozen passive aggressive comments. I'm going to venture a guess and say that you, sitting right there reading these words off of a bright screen in the middle of your busy life (thank you, by the way!) may be in the same boat. We swear. We forget. We snap. We procrastinate. We judge. We stumble. We bitch. We roll our eyes. We are all such a beautiful mess. 

I've said it before but it is the kind of thing worth saying again: I'm no expert. I don't consider myself particularly knowledgable in life or love or luck or loss or anything that comes along with any of it. All I have is my story. I read once that courage means telling the story of who you are with your whole heart. And that is what I hope to do here, in this uniquely 21st century format. A blog. A blog of nothing in particular and yet, simultaneously, everything that I have known and felt. I turned 23 last month and I wanted to write a list. 23 ways to... blah blah blah. Or 23 lessons I learned about... something. But in an increasingly tumultuous, chaotic, and tragic world, perhaps what we all need a little more of is something so deceivingly simple: happiness. 

These boys are my happy.

So that is what this is. A list of 23 happy things. 23 things that make me smile; make me think; make me feel; make me stronger; make me better. 

1. Listen to music. I don't mean tap your fingers on the steering wheel and bob your head to the music. I mean really listen to music. Pop. Gospel. Rap. Pandora. Vinyl. Frickin 8 track. When you find a song that makes you feel something deep in your chest, pulling at the kind of emotions you haven't felt in a long time, emotions you forgot you could even feel, press repeat and feel it all over again. Music can provide the kind of therapy that people pay thousands for. My recommendations: The Lumineers, Mumford & Sons, Ingrid Michaelson, James Vincent McMorrow, William Fitzsimmons, Bob Dylan, and Rosi Golan. 

2. Call your mom/dad/grandma/aunt/cousin... that person you love to pieces and back together again but don't speak to nearly enough? Call 'em. You won't regret it. 

3. Put down the cell phone. The smart phone is making us all a little bit dumber and I'm as guilty as the next person. I will sit there, playing around on my phone, texting and Facebooking, in the presence of perfectly entertaining people. Try to remember that what you're doing on your phone isn't nearly as important as the words coming out of your best friend's mouth. Looking at that Instagram photo of your coworker's latte is nowhere near as wonderful as drinking the one right in front of you.  Don't be so busy thinking up your next status update or tweet that you miss a real life punch line. The life you're living in this very moment, in the 3-dimensional world, THAT is what really matters. 

4. Fuzzy blankets. Warm socks. Favorite tea. A good book. Enough said. 

5. Give heartfelt compliments. You could use generic compliments like, "You look nice today!" or "Cute earrings!" since they are perfectly nice things to say but I challenge you to dig a little deeper. Find the thing you most admire in somebody and simply say it. People need affirmation, whether they ask for it or not.

6. Tell the truth. Secrets are poison for the soul. Even the most awful, painful truth is better than a lie. 

7. Surround yourself with beautiful things. Note: I did not say expensive things. Find a painting, picture collage, vase, old books, or anything you view as beautiful and place it somewhere where you will see every day. 

8. Wake up early with the intention to do more good today than you did yesterday. It's simple but it starts you off on a positive note.

9. Put on your favorite sweatpants or pajamas straight out of the dryer. The amazing combination of warmth and clean laundry smell? I put that feeling on my short list of favorite things EVER.

10. Say no. You get asked to host a makeup party and your heart sinks. You have no interest in purchasing more eye shadow or lip gloss, and you realllly don't have the time for such a party, but you agree to it anyway. Most of us are incessant people pleasers. We are so consumed with pleasing people we barely know, we forget that it is okay to say, straight up, "I really don't have the time." There should be no shame in that. It's the truth! We lead such busy lives, we should waste as little of it as possible doing things we don't want to do.

11. Clean the house. The actual cleaning-process may completely suck... a little less completely when you throw on some classic 90s jams... but it feels pretty wonderful sitting in a fresh-smelling, beautiful room with nothing left to clean. True relaxation comes after the to-do list is complete.  

12. Go to coffee (or beverages of your choice) with your best friend. Being around somebody who asks questions out of genuine curiosity, listens with their full attention, and laughs at the jokes only you two would really get - it can make up for weeks of mediocre conversations and superficial encounters. We all have "our person." Cherish ever moment with your person. 

13. Winter happiness: Make some hot chocolate (marshmallows required) and snuggle up next to your favorite person for a Christmas movie marathon. Bonus points for homemade popcorn and/or cookies.

14. Summer happiness: If you don't have a pickup, borrow one. Fill the bed of the truck with at least a couple blankets and as many pillows as you have. Take the cutest person you know out to the middle of nowhere. Stargaze. Guaranteed best night of your summer.

15. Create something. Bake your grandma's famous ginger snap cookies. Repurpose thrift store furniture with chalk paint. Make an earring holder out of an old cheese grater. Use a pallet to make an ottoman. Pinterest is full of amazing ideas for inspiration but, even more impressive, rely on your own unique imagination to make something beautiful. My favorite things in our house were the things my husband and I made together.

16. Allow yourself a good cry. Sometimes life is just really painful. Letting worthy tears out from time to time is just part of the process. Be okay with that.

17. Grow something. You start to see food entirely differently when you put seeds into the ground and, only weeks later, can harvest fully grown, delicious produce. Food you're proud of just tastes better.. end of story. Added bonus: you can share fresh, nutritious food with your friends and family, inspiring them to adopt healthier habits of their own.

18. Smile at a stranger. 

19. Tip well. If a server really impresses you or if a barista is working a holiday to make sure you get your coffee, leave a little extra. You probably won't miss that five extra dollars but it is sure to make their entire day.

20. Leave corny, fake tickets on the windshields of your favorite people for crimes like "looking too sexy" or "being too wonderful." 

21. Sweat. There are plenty of ways to get your heart-a-pumpin. Jumping rope. Running. Hula hooping. Pilates. And... other things. Wink wink. Find a form of exercise that doesn't feel like exercise because you're having waaaay too much fun and do it every day. I've never regretted a work out in my entire life. 

22. Forgive your exes. It isn't always necessary to keep them in your life but try to lose the grudge as soon as possible. Take my word on that one. Bitterness limits greatness. That person from your past didn't make it into your future for a reason; don't let a bitter memory of them get carried around in your heart. 

23. Pray. When you're overwhelmed. When you're overjoyed. When you're broken hearted. When you're in love. When you're lonely. When you're angry. When you're so confused you don't even understand your own thoughts. God can understand things that nobody else can. With God's grace, anything... seriously ANYTHING... is possible. Pray when you feel like there's nothing left to do. Pray when you feel like you have way too much to do already. God will always listen.

These are some of the things that make me happy. I hope they work for you too. You. The other foul mouths of the world. The forgetful ones. The crabby butts. The procrastinators. The judgers. The clumsy. The whiners. From one beautiful mess to another: this was for you. May it inspire happiness within even the darkest of days.

Honestly Honest Moments

I'm an unapologetic fan of quotes. Henry David Thoreau, ee cummings, William Shakespeare, Audrey Hepburn, Bob Marley! Put beautiful words in a trendy font over an interesting image and I will like it, both on Facebook and in real life. While Pinning my life away recently, I saw that a friend had pinned the most breathtakingly beautiful quote, in a simple typewritten font, over a plain white background.

You can never quite know the worth of a moment until it becomes a memory. Though my favorite memories are nothing too hyped or over-the-top, they are important. They aren't one day or one week. They are only minutes, even seconds, but they are filled with the kind of raw honesty so rare in an increasingly superficial world. I absolutely love to catch people in their most genuine form - when their walls are down and they're not looking to impress a single soul. True beauty is found in those simple moments. They are real. And I love real. 

I love the way my mother smiles from her heart as I walk through the door after too many weeks away. I love even more how she never fails to drop what she's doing to give me a hug.

I love the things my husband says as he's falling asleep, the kind of truths that he is too exhausted to filter. I love how his hand moves towards mine in his sleep and how I often wake up so close to him that I can feel him breathing. 

I love how my sister still calls me sweetie, an inherent reminder that she is and always will be the big sister. 

I love how messages from my childhood friends almost always start as if we are in the middle of conversation - no hellos or how are you. I love how we just know that we're beyond that. 

I love how my dad makes up new words to familiar songs and belts them as he wanders around the house. 

I love old photo albums and home videos. I love how no matter what changes, no matter what the years give or take away, the eyes and smiles of the people I love always stay the same.

I love the sincerity in my Grandma Vera's laugh - the kind of laugh that says, "I'm lived long enough to be as loud as I'd like." 

I love when people talk about their dreams - both literal and figurative - whether it be a goal or a nightmare or a crush or some strange futuristic fantasy. I feel like, for that brief moment that they are telling me their most recent dream, they are trusting me with a piece of their soul. 

I love the way that people smile at their phone when they get that text they'd been anxiously waiting for. 

I love scuffed up coffee tables, worn out shoes, and books so used that they're falling apart - clear evidence of a life well lived. 

I love the feeling of warm socks and a cup of tea on any and all snowy days. 

I love when you get so comfortable with a person that all you need is a simple eyebrow raise or head tilt and they know exactly what you're saying. 

I love the "urrrr" noise people make during a big bear hug. 

I love the indescribable comfort that washes over me after a good prayer.

There is so much to love about this beautiful mess we call the human experience. Too often, I have found myself buried in a dream of what could be, wishing for something supposedly better or more admirable than the life I lead. What I had forgotten is that the very things I'm taking for granted are the kind of things that others would give anything to have. I'm done with that. I'm done with fixating on the wrong things and neglecting my beautiful life. I'm going to count my many, MANY blessings in the moment, as I experience them. I've learned too many times how quickly they can be gone. 

I LOVE that it's never too late to be a better version of myself. Beginning: NOW.

Recycled Advice from a Younger Me

Inspired by the lovely and talented Olivia Sundeen's advice to single women, boldly entitled, "It's not me it's you," I decided to give some twice baked advice from yours truly circa 2007. Oddly enough, the advice I conjured up in the middle of my own failing relationship and messy mistakes seems to have stood the test of time. I stand by my advice... well, most of my advice. This goes out to all the single ladies (all the single ladies) out there.

Back when I knew everything... (2008)

Realizing I don't know sheeeeit...(2012)

Written June 12, 2007

Okay - I realize that I, Miss Lauren Jean, am not exactly the greatest expert on relationships.  I have had one super-serious on again/off again relationship, two don't-even-count-em elementary boyfriends, one month-long summer fling, and a couple of short lived "relationships" that had more to do with flirtation and sex appeal than anything else. Still I feel the need to divulge any possible wisdom I've gathered over the years so that some innocent girl will not have to learn the hard way that hearts break quickly and deeply. My two cents: take it or leave it.

Lesson #1.  Guys can NOT read our minds
As females, we have a tendancy to say things like "Don't worry about it, I'm fine" when we really want to scream "STOP BEING A PRICK AND CALL ME!"  In all honestly, it will probably work out better in the end if you just say "Hey, I realize that you have an uber-busy life but just make some time to give me a call."  It's easier than you'd think.

Modern update: Call me old fashioned but I think texting is the worst thing to happen to romance and relationships since chat rooms. I started dating my husband right around the time texting became the most common, and most superficial, means of communication in America. My once reasonable request for a guy to simply call is now considered WAY too much to ask. A one or two word text is today considered a legitimate "move." What a sad, twisted world. Being single and decoding man-language was hard enough in the time of MSN Messenger and Facebook. Couple that with texting, Skype, Twitter, and all the cool-kid stuff I don't even know about yet? Chivalry is dead. It was brutally murdered by an iPhone. 

So I was wrong. Speaking up and saying, "Please just call" may not be "easier than you'd think." Let's assume he doesn't call you. Maybe he sends you one word responses or forgets to text at all. It could be a mind game. It could be all for the thrill of the chase. But a chase is exhausting, mind games will mess with your sanity, and any man unwilling to spend one minute making you smile isn't worth you dedicating years, let alone seconds, worrying about him. NEXT!!

Lesson #2.  Guys (just like girls) MAY cheat
Yes.  It sucks.  But speaking from a survivor's stand-point - you DO get over it.  Yes, it totally blows to think about him hooking up with someone else but if he has the nerve to do that to you, do you even want to waste your time on him?  Life's too short to wait around for a guy who can't make up his mind. 

Lesson #3.  Never sacrifice "Girl Time" in order to hang out with you boyfriend
It can definitely be tempting to watch a movie on the couch with HIM instead of going out with the girls but if and when that relationship with HIM ends, you will be wondering where in the world all of your friendships disappeared to.  We've heard it a million times before, but NO GUY is worth losing your friendships.

Lesson #4.  Don't fall for the bullshit
Some guys (not ALL but a good percentage) are simply looking for ass.  Understandably, they have raging hormones so I geuss they are not completely to blame.  I realize that this is totally stereotypical but, from personal experience, I can't help but agree with this popular observation.  When guys are "on the prowl" they will say and/or do anything in order to get you where they want you.... if you get what I'm saying.  So, when I guy tells you how "beautiful your smile is" or how "sexy you look"... try to look for his true intentions.  Don't give in to bullshit because if a guy is really interested, he will be up for the challenge. 

Modern update: Geezsh! That was... bold? Though I do agree with the general message I was trying to get across here, I would word it a little differently now. I no longer believe that "a good percentage" of guys are "simply looking for ass." Some? Yes. But the poor fellas are pressured into hyper sexualized behavior by our ridiculous culture of sex-sex-sex and macho man aggression. Nevertheless, I stand by my advice to be careful around the shmoozers. If he calls you baby the first night you meet - run. 

Lesson #5.  Follow your heart, but let your common sense tag along
Sooner or later in a relationship, you are going to be faced with some definite issues.  It might be your friends saying "You deserve SOOO much better" or maybe it's him saying "I just don't know if this is working anymore."  Whatever the situation, remember to always go with what's in your heart.  I realize that is a pretty corny expression but it really does work.  Just ask yourself... what is best for me right now? Take out all of the extra people, all of the drama, and all of the criticizm and just think of yourself.  Decisions made with your heart are hardly ever regrets.  

Modern update: I applaud you, young Lauren. I admire your gutsiness to speak the truth as you knew it, in that moment, filled with all the emotion and angst that come with being an 18-year-old extrovert. I want to tell you that you're going to follow your own advice, listening to your heart over the opinions and judgments of others, but I won't lie to you. You're going to lose your way. You're going to make decisions that contradict the morals so intricately woven into your soul. And you'll hate that feeling. Your heart and your common sense will be beaten down by an overwhelming sense of "what is expected" or "what will make people happy." You'll struggle with this for the next five years. There will be times when are so lost that you fall to your knees and weep. You'll curse yourself for betraying the core of who you are. But you're human. Remember that everybody loses their way sometimes. You'll read somewhere that, "only once we are lost do we truly find ourselves" and you will know exactly what that means. You may stray from your personal truth. You may get lost on a pedestal that you don't even want to be on. But you'll will always find yourself again. 

Ten Men, Ten Letters

Each one of us has a story - a unique combinations of all the faces we've seen, places we've been, jokes we've heard, mistakes we've made, and pain we've felt. And at the core of every good story are people. Without friends to laugh with, eyes to stare into, hands to hold, shoulders to cry on, and ears to listen to the words we so desperately want to let out - what's the point? Our most intimately shared experiences, the precious moments when we look over and feel an overwhelming gratefulness for another's presence at that moment, those moments are what make life worth it. 

I've had more good women in my life than a Louisa May Alcott novel. But this post isn't about the females that I've grown to love, trust, and respect throughout my nearly 23 years on earth. It's about the men - some wise, some kind, some frustrating, some entertaining, some clever, and some reckless. This post is dedicated to ten men who changed the direction of my life, for better or worse. Some will see their letter and know right away that, yes, it is without a doubt written for them. Others will never see it at all. But don't worry, boys who've done me wrong, I'm taking the road not traveled by Miss Swift and planning to follow one simple rule: no name dropping.


Grace and Glory Man, 

I will never be able to quite comprehend what you did for me. You saw something beautiful in me that I couldn't see myself. But you see it in everybody - something worth saving. There are no words that fully express my gratitude, no song to fully express my love. I hope to live a life that makes you proud, acting out the kind of values that you have inspired within my heart - kindness, forgiveness, friendship, strength, guidance, and love. Thank you for giving me the greatest gift ever given: grace. 

Love, 
Lauren


Dear Karaoke and Crown Man, 

You instilled in me a love for Johnny Cash and Joan Jett. Some of my favorite memories include me, you, and a couple microphones. We were not a whole lot alike, in fact we couldn't be less alike if we tried. I wonder what you would say to me had you lived to see me grow up and shape my hard headed, left leaning opinions. No matter what, I know you would be proud of me.. all of me. And I miss you all the time.

Love, 
Lauren 


Dear Wit and Wisdom Man, 

You gave me every reason to look up to you. You refuse to participate in gossip. You live without fear of judgment or criticism. You see the good in people when it isn't easy to do so. I will never forget the way you hugged me when I had my heart broken for the first time, telling me it was going to be okay punky. I didn't believe you at the time. It didn't feel okay. But I should have listened to you. I should always listen to you. One day when I can't hear your voice anymore, I will rely on the messages you've engraved like permanent ink onto my heart. Be kind. Be honest. Show compassion. Work hard. Meet new people. And never, for any reason, stop being a kid at heart. You never did. And that's one of the million reasons why I love you.

Love, 
Lauren


Dear Innocence and Cigarettes Man, 

Oh, what a wicked little game we played. Despite all of evil words we screamed at each other, I meant it every single time that I told you I loved you. I cherish the good memories we had - you teaching me to change the oil in my car, asking me out on the 50 yard line of a football field, bringing me giant sunflowers when I had my tonsils out. You were my first love, even if that love didn't last. I know now that it was never supposed to. I'm sorry for my part in the mess we made, including but not limited to kicking you in the shin... instantly regretted that one. Though I do forgive you, your words and actions changed me forever. I'm still working on complete acceptance of who you are and the choices you've made but I don't hate you. Running into you was less awkward than I expected, which was a nice surprise. I hope that someday you find the kind of love that you never found with me, a love that fills your heart and ignites your dreams, a kind of love that you will never let go. You deserve that.

Love, 
Lauren 


Dear Adventure and Adrenaline Man, 

You were just like any other boy to me until one day, apparently overnight, during my junior year of high school I ran into you and realized: YOU. GOT. HOT. I was suddenly anxious and giggly anytime you walked into the room. I was so embarrassed at how easily you made me blush. You were so spontaneous and full of life. I once looked over from the passenger seat, after you had driven aimlessly for over an hour, and I asked, "Where are we going?" You replied with a huge smile, "I don't know... crazy?" I wanted so badly to keep your attention, to keep the fire burning that you lit inside my soul. When it ended, I was so desperate to get that feeling back. I regret the things I said to you out of anger. You were so wonderful, so spirited, so alive. Without you here, hundreds of hearts are missing an important piece. You are so missed, so loved, and so remembered for all of the beautiful things that you gave to each of us.

Love, 
Lauren 


Dear Redemption and Distance Man, 

You restored my faith in young men. I say that not to be cliche or dramatic but out of mere fact. I met you in a time when I had been lied to, cheated on, screamed at, and broken down to a point that I viewed myself and my romantic future as hopeless. All it took was your genuine interest and respect to give me a flicker of hope, something that I needed so badly at that time. I remember loving how when you hugged me, you really hugged me. Though thousands of miles and different life paths gave us little to no chance of making long term plans together, I will always respect the role you played in my life and the man you have grown to be.

Love, 
Lauren


Dear Juno and Jest Man, 

You were always on your game - quick wit, carefully crafted jokes, sincere compliments. You intrigued me. But we never had the right timing. Something always stood in the way of us going forward with anything serious. For a while, I was convinced that it was me. I wondered what I could do to make myself more "dateable" but perhaps we were always meant to be in each others' friend zones. It could have been the age difference. It could have been the distance. I appreciate the chance I got to know you and to delight in your good humor. Years from now, I hope that I run into you and that it won't be even the slightest bit awkward. I hope to shake hands with your future wife, a lady who I just know will be the rare combination of smart and beautiful, and I will compliment your tall, gorgeous children. Until then, I hope you are happy. You remain one of the funniest men I've ever met.

Love, 
Lauren


Dear Late Nights and Bud Lights Man, 


No matter where I go or who I meet, I am convinced that you have a sense of humor most closely matched to my own... but funnier of course. You have a way of taking any given situation, even the most mundane or routine, and providing fascinating insight and a fresh perspective. You make me laugh so hard my stomach hurts with jokes that take a unique sort of timing and a bright of mind. You are so much smarter than you give yourself credit for. I admire your selflessness, your ability to hold a conversation with almost anybody, and your kind heart. I consider you a forever friend.

Love, 
Lauren 


Dear Advice and Knowledge Man, 

You will forever be the greatest teacher I ever had. There hasn't been a day of my life post-grad that I don't miss your challenging assignments, thought provoking lectures, and entertaining anecdotes. I worry that I have disappointed you, that I have not continued on the path that you had helped set for me. Always know that I am forever grateful for the opportunities you provided me with, the advice you gave to me, and the wonderful lessons you taught me. I hope to make you proud.

Love, 
Lauren


Dear Forever and Ever Man, 

You are my happy. I knew from the first time that I saw you smile that I wanted to do anything I could to see that smile every day. I didn't know how or why but you made my heart sing. Looking into your brown eyes, so unlike my own, I found the very thing that I never knew I needed, an anchor for my wandering soul. You keep me grounded in the most beautiful way, with love and unwavering acceptance. When I'm caught up in the kind of overwhelming emotion that has accompanied me most of my life, you are my sturdy rock. I'm never lost anymore. You are home to me. Nearly four years from the first time I saw that gorgeous smile, I have grown to love it even more. I've grown to love all of you more than I have ever loved anything in my life. I vow to never stop making you smile.

Love, 
Lauren 

Landfill Rings and Unlikely Friends

My father was 23 years old, a recent college grad with shaggy blonde hair and big aviator glasses, when he decided that he was going to marry the brilliant brunette he had known his entire life. He bought her a beautiful gold ring and promised to love her forever. Her strength, her determination, her beauty - ALL of her, until his last day. And fifteen years and two children later, he loved her all the same. Or more. But one seemingly ordinary day in the mid-1990s, that wedding ring would be thrown into the trash, never to be seen again.

Papa and Momma Bear - 1983

To clarify: my parents have been happily married for nearly 30 years. Their partnership is something unmatched by any other couple I have ever seen. They balance each other to near perfection. So no, the ring was not thrown into the trash in the middle of an all-out, no-holds-barred argument. To this day, I have yet to see my parents have a serious fight. Props on keeping minimal drama in our house, Mom and Dad. You rock.

I was the one who threw away my mother's wedding ring. It wasn't out of anger. It wasn't some evil plot to get even with my mother for not letting me have seconds on dessert. It was a mistake. Plain and simple. I was learning to count money so I went looking through her purse for spare change. In my attempt to de-clutter my mother's purse, to help free her busy life from one less task, I tossed what I thought was a used Kleenex into the garbage. What I didn't know was that my mother had an allergic reaction that made her hands swell so she had taken off her ring, wrapped it neatly in a tissue, and secured it in a small pocket of her purse to "keep it safe." But it still wound up in the trash, then a garbage truck, and eventually a landfill next to God knows what. 

Off to learn my numbers, letters, money counting... ughh :(

I've heard that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Throwing my mother's wedding ring was the first, but surely wasn't the last, of many decisions in my life that paved my way to Hell so to speak. From the day I threw that ring in the garbage to this very moment, wearing a wedding ring of my own, I would estimate that I have made about 3,736 oopsies. Some big. Some small. Some mean spirited. Some unintentional. Some careless. Some meticulously planned but oopsies nonetheless. 

One of my greatest uh-oh moments to date caused a smart, beautiful 16-year-old's first heartbreak. Long story short, I was a gullible, selfish brat. I was in my senior year of high school. I didn't think past the weekend. Despite my own instincts and better judgment, I took a silly boy at his word and ended up being a player in an evil little game of lies and jealousy and resentment that would carry on for years. And though I denied my responsibility in what happened for far too long, I can admit now that I made a mistake. I didn't respect myself or other relationships enough to keep my distance. 

I was surely paving my road to Hell. We both were, me and that beautiful 16-year-old girl. We tortured each other with awful nicknames and rumors. We armed ourselves with evil stares and catty whispers every time we were in the same room. But underneath it all, beneath the jealousy and disrespect and pettiness, was a common denominator - the same thing that is at the root of almost any argument - FEAR. Fear of being hated. Fear of being ignored. Fear of being misunderstood. Fear of being talked about behind your back. Fear that the things being said to your face are true. Fear of never having the right answers to make it better. Fear of not being good enough.  

But the most beautiful moments can happen in the middle of all that fear. Grace happens. Redemption happens. Understanding happens. Time mellowed both of us to a point that we dropped the insults and drama. When we realized just how time consuming and mind numbing the backstabbing and insult hurling could be, we stopped hating each other and realized just how similar we were. One of the greatest lessons I've learned is that, with time and forgiveness, even the most bitter rivals can turn into the most trusted friends. 

 

This is life: where flaws are expected and mistakes are inevitable. The best we can do is keep learning and growing. Own up to your imperfection and remember that there are lessons to be learned in every uh-oh and every oopsie. Take some of my lessons to heart... Double check before you throw things in the trash. Try not to call anything "f**king bullshit" in front of your mother. Remember that two wrongs never make a right. Never use oven mitts with holes in them. Make note that speeding in Minnesota is much more expensive than in North Dakota. Trust that important words left unspoken will leave an aching in your chest. Learn how to sincerely apologize when you're wrong. Love exactly who you are, in this moment, and appreciate the stumbles it took to get you there. Trust that no matter what you've done, it gets better. It always gets better. 

To Lauren From Lauren

Alfred Adler, a world renowned and highly respected psychologist, believed that the core of an individual's personality is fairly set in stone by the by the age of 5. Lauren Jean Wold Trefethren, a world citizen and highly respected barista and borderline know-it-all, agrees whole heartedly. 

The core traits of my very being, the signature "Laurenisms" that make up a complex whole, have been there since the days of mid-day naps and snack time. But who am I kidding, I still enjoy a good mid-day nap and snack time. Proving Adler's point. And I'm still stubborn. Sensitive. Worrisome. Loyal. Spontaneous. Genuine. And, displayed so clearly above, unable to stay very serious for very long. 

Yet regardless of our similarities, young Lauren and I have some stark differences. The blonde, freckle faced, preschool version of me concerned herself with the tiniest lies and disloyalties of her friends at recess, working herself into a frenzy and inevitably breaking down into tears. Now, particularly over the past decade, I have been devastated to a point where I forget how to breath. I've had my heart broken. I've attended friends' funerals. I've made mistakes beyond anything little Lauren could have ever imagined. The everyday tragedies of being a teenager and young adult have impacted me to a point that I sometimes feel that I'm losing her, that part of me that was so sure of herself, sure of her relationships, and sure of the world around her. I fear the pain of my past has mellowed me to a point of being jaded and disconnected, the very thing that I swore I would never let happen. So in an attempt to reconnect with that sweet, innocent version of myself, a girl so filled with hope and optimism and just a few years later so much angst and rebellion, I decided to write her this letter.


My Dearest Lauren, 

This is an older, hopefully wiser, you. I'm the same silly girl I was sporting that Barney tee shirt and pencil behind the ear. Good look for you, by the way. And keep on rocking those bangs because they become a trademark. You're 22 now. Married. Buying a house. Happy. And yet, all these years later, your questions are still a part of me: Will I be liked? loved? ignored? lonely? Will I be happy? What will I be when I grow up? 

I hate to break it to poor, inquisitive little Lauren but you may never find the answers to those questions. Some days you will feel liked and, yes, loved - loved so intensely that it will make your heart race and your head spin. You will meet boys who set your world on fire, who make you dance, inspire you to dream bigger. You will marry your best friend. But there will be days, many of them, when you will feel confused. Frustrated. And, your least favorite, lonely. As for what you will be when you grow up, I would love to tell you that you will be a pediatric neurologist like you always wanted but math and science skills are sort of a prerequisite and you missed the memo of where to pick those bad boys up. I can tell you this: Continue to write. Get better and better. This will be your outlet, your therapy, and your passion. I don't know what you will do for a living but I do know that you'll be happy. More days than not, you will feel SO happy and SO blessed.

I'm the same anxious teenage girl I was sitting in that car next to a gorgeous 16-year-old boy, full of insecurities and unlimited potential. How does he see me? What is he thinking? Why was I cursed with these short legs and man hands?

I want to shake you, girl. I want to tell you that her "short" legs are strong legs and you "man" hands are your dad's hands. And that boy, the one that makes your heart pound so loud you're afraid he will hear it, he sees you more accurately than you think: a girl full of insecurities. But he likes you. And what is he thinking? I think you know the answer to that one. He is thinking what most 16-year-old boys think about while alone with a girl in a car. Obviously. But cut him a break. Don't be too hard on him when he makes a mistake. You'll learn too quickly that nothing lasts forever. Not pain. Not jealousy. And not even life. When he apologizes, forgive him. Hug him goodbye. You won't get the chance again.

I'm the same giddy college student I was sitting in the passenger seat of my future husband's car. Where is this going? Does he love me like he says he does? Am I really willing to commit to one person... forever? 

Simply put: it is going somewhere wonderful. YES he loves you - the kind of love you always prayed for. Steady. Unconditional. Strong. That's the kind of love worth committing to.

I know that you're scared. I know that you are filled with doubts and questions that seem suffocating. The best advice I can give you is deceivingly simple but I promise it will help. Be you. Work hard. Call home. Sacrifice. Be smart. Listen for God. Trust your gut. Keep learning. Never lose your humor. Pray. Don't get jaded. Remember to breath. And, above all else, love each moment for what it is and not what you wish it were. That, my dear, is the greatest lesson you will ever learn. 

Love Always, 
Lauren 

P.S. Don't ignore mom and dad's calls when you're at parties. They're not idiots. They'll make you do yard work.. with a hangover.. in the July sun. Just trust me on that.

Tutorial: Bed Head to Classy Updo

I'm straying from my usual anecdotal tales of lessons learned the hard way in order to fulfill a promise to a few of my friends. A few weeks ago, I accidentally created a hairdo that I have since repeated a dozen times. I'm a big fan of cute updos but an even bigger fan of convenience. I hope that this 10 minute updo can be your go-to hairstyle for those morning you're running late but don't want to sacrifice cuteness. :) 

The end result!

1) Start with your hair down. Any texture or style (or lack thereof, in my case) is fine. This doozy right here is my air-dryed, no product mop. Sexxxxy. 

2) Back-comb the top of your hair a bit, to give it a little bit of a "bump." 

3) If newly washed and lacking natural oils (hence: hard to hold in place), spray with some product. You want to have enough product in your hair so that it isn't slipping through your fingers as you work.

4) Pull up the top half or so of your hair and make a half braid (just a plain old braid, nothing French or fancy) down to about your ears. 

 

5) Make a VERY loose ponytail at your neckline. 

6) This part is hard to capture on camera, since I'm not an octopus and am limited to my two lame human arms. You should make a slit above the ponytail and twist the ponytail up and through the slit. 

 

7) The result of the loose ponytail, slit, flip through process should look something like this. Except minus the squirrel looking end... that's unique to yours truly and is in no way required.

8) For longer hair, flip the remaining hair up again, as though you're going to pull the hair through the slit again, but pin it in place instead. For my medium length hair, I bobby pinned the rest of my hair (aka: the squirrel tail) into a messy bun of sorts, wherever it seemed to work best. This part is really open for interpretation using your own hair knowledge of what works best for YOUR hair.

9) Add any clips, pins, feathers, or other accessories you wish! 

10) Enjoy the quickest, easiest updo you could ever imagine. Rock this style with confidence because you, my dear, are gorgeous... even with bed head.